Ed. Note:  Shortly after Tom wrote this piece, the AGCC revealed that some $330 million had been seized pre-Black Friday. I sent an email asking if this changed the math, to which Tom replied, “That’s almost all that they owed to players, just short $60 million which is purportedly what they had in the bank.  Makes my case even stronger.”

Just yesterday, I heard the news that the Department of Justice accused Full Tilt Poker of running a Ponzi scheme.  A Ponzi scheme is defined as a pyramid investment swindle in which supposed profits are paid to early investors from money actually invested by later participants.

I object your honor.  Taking money I deposit and distributing it to owners is no Ponzi scheme.  But wait, let’s look at some facts/guesses.

Had our politicians not passed a law that restricted financial institutions from transferring money to and from poker sites, all players would still have their money. 

In reviewing the DOJ complaint and other sources, the following information jumped out at me:

* I have heard from various sources that Full Tilt credited players’ accounts for $180 million that Full Tilt never received.  I assume they didn’t receive it because the banks wouldn’t transfer it to them, but nonetheless, many players received credit for money that was never taken out of their own bank account.

Did Full Tilt distribute massive amounts of money to their owners?  Well, yes. Over the last four years, owners received $443 million in distributions.  Some say ahem, throat clear, “profit distributions”.

Had our politicians not passed a law that restricted financial institutions from transferring money to and from poker sites, all players would still have their money.  Because of that law, $180 million did not get transferred to Full Tilt, $115 million was seized, and $42 million is frozen in various banks.  If Full Tilt had all of this money, they would actually have a surplus over what the players are owed.

I normally don’t write about things like this, because I find these kinds of stories boring. But, the real story to me is WHERE IS THE COLLECTIVE OUTRAGE!!!!!?  But who should be the recipient of our outrage?  My first draft of this article was blasting the Full Tilt people.  But when I looked at the numbers, I had to re-evaluate.Believe it or not, with all of these payments there is still a shareholder or two that owes Full Tilt money from loans made by Full Tilt to the shareholder/player. Huh?  That’s what a bad craps habit will do for you.

So why is Full Tilt the bad guy in this story?  Well, they did some things wrong…really wrong.  They did not keep player funds separate from the general funds.  This allowed the government to seize the cash without returning it so that players could be paid out.  Do I have a big problem with the unbelievable distributions to shareholders?  Nope.  As long as there was enough money to pay all of the players when we cashed out, why would I care how much someone makes providing a service that I want?

I was playing poker the other day with a friend of mine who had a lot of money on Full Tilt.  He didn’t tell me how much, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was over $100,000.  His response to what do you think about Full Tilt?  “I haven’t been paying any attention to that stuff.  Whatever.”

This is an indication of how messed up the poker community is.

1. Because we are always pitted against one another, we will never come together enough to have strength in numbers.   How can all the players of Full Tilt not band together and get some of their money back?  Whatever.
2. We are the most apathetic bunch of degenerates I’ve ever seen.  Shut up and deal.
3. We value money much less than the average person.  I will give you $200 to eat this $100 bill.
4. We are more upset about Russ Hamilton (allegedly) cheating a few hundred people out of their money than we are about Full Tilt and the U.S. government making it such that hundreds of thousands of people can’t get their money back.

I think that many of the owners of Full Tilt had an insatiable appetite to spend big, be big and gamble big.  Most of them earned the reputation of geniuses and monster gamblers.  I do feel bad for a few of the investor-players that had no idea of what was going on.  They just got big checks and thought they had made a great investment.

The board of directors of Full Tilt did little to protect those investors and the people with money on the site.  Shame on them, and while I’m shaming people, how about shame on our government?  They took our money.  The $115 million that they seized, that’s ours.  How is that fair.  I can’t imagine they would do that to us if our money were in a bank.   Oh, and shame on our politicians for creating the law that made it impossible for poker sites to continue to run legally.  They are such pussies.  If they didn’t want poker to be legal, they should have voted to make it illegal, not make it so that financial institutions can’t accept transactions with a poker site, in essence, setting the trap.  More underhanded crap from Washington.

I don’t know why I’m so outraged.  I lost all of my money on Full Tilt a couple days before they were shut down.  Funny thing, 5 other players, who I consider to be great players, lost all of their money on Full Tilt within a couple days of the shut down.  It gets curiouser and curiouser.  Whatever.

The one thing I’m most curious about is Chris Ferguson.  Why Jesus?  Why did you let this happen to us Jesus?  Why did you need that much money?  It’s obvious that you didn’t spend it at the barber.  Your clothing budget couldn’t have been very much since you have worn the same long, black, scary leather jacket for the last ten years.  The poker community after review of all of the facts should take a vote on whether Jesus should be able to keep his name. Whatever, we probably couldn’t even organize that.  I’m tired, I don’t care, now get the cards in the air.

Oops, one last thing.  I’m not a professional reporter, so all of the supposed facts in this article could be wrong.  Don’t rely on me.  I’m in a hurry to get to a game.

Tom Schneider, author of Oops, I Won Too Much Money, is a professional poker player and financial adviser for Loudmouth Golf. You can follow his semi-sensical spoutings on Twitter @DonkeyBomber.

It’s time to have a poker player run for President of the United States. Forget Joe the Plumber. How about Tom the Gambler?

I actually gave serious consideration to running for President in 2012. However, when I woke up, it didn’t seem like such a great idea. I thought what could a gambler offer that others can’t? I came up with several ideas and am going to share one here. This is not an article about bashing one side or the other. I’m trying to show how gamblers typically get right to the root of the problem by viewing the world differently than others.

First, I wanted to identify a problem that 95 percent of Americans would agree was a problem, thus removing all political bias. The Problem: Politicians lie, misrepresent facts and gamble with our money. Do you agree?

In a debate, if a politician sounds convincing, we believe him. He can’t be lying, he sounds so sure. The debate is concluded and the viewers have no idea that the bastard lied for an hour straight. He made up stuff and pulled answers out of his ass to avoid having to say, “I don’t know.” (Note: when pulling numbers out of asses, avoid the sharp ones like 4 and 7.)

When trying to get the Healthcare bill passed one Senator made a huge deal about the American Medical Association (AMA) supporting the bill, thus trying to make the public feel better since all doctors support it. Did you know that only 17% of all doctors belong to the AMA, because most doctors don’t like the political stands the AMA takes? Did you know that a significant majority of doctors were opposed to the proposed Healthcare bill? It is outrageously disingenuous to act like doctors are supporting the bill.
Our elected officials say that if we pass a stimulus package, we will create one million new jobs…oops, sorry, we were wrong. No big deal, we will try something else. They are guessing with our money. I like idiots in a poker game, but I’m tired of idiots in Washington. It’s like all of us voters decided to put the worst poker player in the biggest game. Unfortunately, unlike poker, these idiots can’t get lucky with our money.

How do gamblers find the truth? We wager. When sitting at the poker table, someone might say, “That’s a tall guy, he must be seven feet tall.” I say, “I don’t think so, how much would you like to bet.” That’s it. Gamblers engage in this kind of activity all the time, and if you make bad decisions repeatedly, you are no longer gambling because you run out of money. Unlike every other profession, our politicians get no credit for being right and no punishment for being wrong.

The Solution: As President, I would set aside $200 million for a “Required Political Gambling Fund.” This fund will be comprised of a couple great gamblers, a few CPA’s, an attorney, and a historian. Here’s how it works. As part of becoming an elected official you may be required to make a significant wager on what you believe will happen as a result of the legislation you are proposing or supporting.

As President, I would set aside $200 million for a “Required Political Gambling Fund.”

Let’s take the Health Care Bill. The Governmental Accounting Office claimed that this bill will be deficit neutral, i.e. not creating more debt. If the Gambling Team doesn’t think that will be the case, then those politicians that are supporting the bill must wager…the bigger the issue, the bigger the bet.

Since the Healthcare Bill represents 16 percent of our economy, supporters of the bill have to wager 16 percent of their net worth. Think about what this does. Politicians will be doing their homework for a change. Unsubstantiated numbers and guesses will not be thrown around without significant research and understanding. They will actually have to read proposed legislation. This system will take the politics out of politics. I can hear a Republican saying t o another Republican, “I can’t support that bill because I will lose my own money.” Perfect. I want an idiot politician to lose his own money and not ours.

How do we eliminate lying? After debates, our Gambling Team will determine what lies the politicians told during the debate, and then bet on each of the lies. If the politician decides not to bet, a big flashing neon “Liar” sign will go off. Obviously if he doesn’t want to bet on the supposed facts he is spewing out, then he is a liar or a bull-shitter. This would make one heck of game show. We can use the money from the show to reduce the National debt.

I bet that the $200 million gambling fund would make it to $1 billion by the end of my term, and we would have a bunch of broke politicians. Once the politician is broke, he is out of office, kinda like a poker tournament. The “right” politicians will get richer and remain in office, and we won’t be betting against them very often. Voila! There you have it.

We would have a new form of Railbird, the Politicalbird…a broke politician looking to get back into action, eh, well, office. It would be funny seeing ex-Senators and ex-Presidents going around asking people to put them into the dog catcher race. “Come on, give me a shot. I know I can beat this guy.”

If you would like to hear more of my Presidential ideas, tell Dan, the owner of this fine poker website. If you want to donate to my campaign, please do so, but don’t be too upset if some of the funds get put into a juicy $100-$200 mix game.

I beat him at the first table, but before I did, we agreed to save 10 percent. After beating him, I failed to get his phone number in order to contact him to arrange for payment after I won the tournament. Oops. I didn’t win.

I should have paid him his $435 before he left and figured that he would come watch me if I made the final table. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t make the final table, but I ran into Greg Mueller heads up. He’s soooo lucky.

Anyway, I owe Eric some money and want to pay him. Please help! I don’t want to be lumped in with all the other nonpaying “pieces” that I have encountered during the WSOP — and I certainly don’t want to to be included in Pokerati’s gallery of villains.

Anybody know how to get in touch with him? Seriously. I just want to pay him.

I have a request for all poker players. Anyone that wants to complain at the WSOP 2008, please STAY HOME! I don’t care how much dead money you bring to the tables, I don’t want to hear the yakking when I’m taking a leak.

At the 2007 WSOP, bitching was the theme. Here are just a few of the complaints that I heard.

• Harrah’s is making too much money. Have you seen how much juice they are taking out?
• The food is horrible
• The dealers are making too many mistakes
• It’s cold
• It’s hot
• The lines are too long
• The structures are too fast, too slow, too medium
• The walk is too long to the tournament area
• There are too many tournaments
• The cocktail service is bad.

Is that enough or should I keep going?

Here are my thoughts:

Harrah’s is a business. I expect them to make money. I hope they make money or they might stop having the WSOP. If you don’t like the juice they charge, buy their stock and get excited about an increase in fees and attendance.

[Ed. Note: Harrah's stock is no longer available.]

I’m going to put the biggest complainer in Jeffret Pollack’s job and ask him what his first move is. I have an idea. Why don’t you propose a way to reduce Harrah’s bottom line by reducing the juice and providing free food for all. I hope you enjoyed your first and last day at work.

The biggest critics are usually the guys who have never had a real job. They can do everyone’s job better from the cocktail waitress to Pollack. They don’t appreciate the coordination it takes to have an event 2 months out of the year with temporary employees and temporary facilities. These guys have expectations that are completely unrealistic. I think that the WSOP keeps getting better every year.

• Tournaments start on time
• TV coverage is excellent
• We play in a nice facility
• They have got a players’ advisory committee, (bitch to these guys because they are representing you)
• They have more satellites to get into your favorite event.

[Ed. Note: Tom is now on that players' advisory committee, so technically you should be bitching to him.]

Do you remember back when the event was at Binion’s and Bobby Thompson would announce 600 names and seat assignments over a microphone that didn’t work while everyone was talking real loudly? The event started two hours late.

Rather than bitch this year, appreciate the fact that you’re playing and not dealing or serving Red Bull, because I can tell you it’s not fun. Maybe if all poker players went with a new attitude this year we could help change the attitudes of those who are serving us.

I say make the F-Bomb acceptable and implement a bitching penalty.

Given the same payout structure, would you rather make a final table last year or this year? If you say last year, STOP! PROCEED DIRECTLY TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST. Think about this. How many people outside of poker know Jerry Yang? Answer = 0. How many people outside of poker know the guy who finished 7th? 0! Did someone actually come in 7th? I don’t remember.

Can you imagine making the final table under this potential change? Many people outside of poker will recognize all the players that make the final table. Before the final table takes place, all players are the same. In essence, all of them are winners, and why shouldn’t they be? They beat 6,000 players. This is amazing. It really is too bad that we only have one winner out of 6,000. A final table at the main event is one of the most impressive accomplishments in poker.

Letterman and Leno might even have the whole final table on their show. Who knows? I might be able to make money from doing something other than sitting at a poker table 15 hours a day. Maybe I will be discovered by some Hollywood director needing a fat, bald guy to play a poker player. Hooray!

Some people have mentioned that the momentum that you have built up to make the final table might be lost. Did you happen to notice that 8 other people also might have had momentum built up to outlast 6,000 players? At the final table of the WPT at the Bicycle, I had the chip lead and major momentum going into the final table. What a difference just 12 hours makes. I went card dead and came in 4th. I wish they would have just kept playing and forgotten about the TV show. It’s all random.

Will I study up real hard in 3 months? I will be playing a lot of golf. I will probably want to spend every waking moment with Hellmuth…Not. If you make the final table outlasting 6,000 players, I’m guessing you feel pretty good about your play. I know I would feel unbeatable.

If this final table thing happens, I believe that it will elevate poker to a new level of awareness. I don’t like boxing, but when I was a kid, I remember the most famous boxing matches due to the huge buildup and hype that took place weeks/months before the match took place. This is the same thing.

Is Harrah’s greedy. I hope so, I own stock. If you are in business or a poker player and don’t have a little greed in your body, I hope your local pet store is hiring.

Let’s face it. Poker needs a boost and Harrah’s is sure trying. Several years ago we added hole cards and the internet. That spike is over, and we may never see another growth spurt in our industry again. To Harrah’s, I say thanks for thinking of new stuff and being willing to take risk for the benefit of poker and me if I make the final table.

Oh, and for those of you that decided that you would rather make a final table last year, I offer you a padded room with many locks to protect you against the “Change Boogy Man”. He’s so scary…

Had I known that I would come in 8th, I definitely would have taken a shot at it. Had I tried to do it and made it through the first day of the WPT, I would have been able to blame my 8th place finish on being distracted, or at least Angry Julie would have reminded me many times.

I like Tunica because of its friendly environment, loads of PLO and the food. The food is pretty good but very fattening. I did happen to lose weight on this trip because I have totally changed my eating habits. I am now eating a very balanced diet with big emphasis on vegetables. I hate them, but I do like the way I’m starting to feel.

Late in December of ’07 I declared that ’08 is going to be the year of health. I weighed more than I ever have, and I was starting to feel it. In the past, I have always lost weight by working out hard and always being hungry. I haven’t been hungry once and have lost about 10 pounds since the beginning of the year. I have changed my ways of eating to something I think I can sustain for the rest of my life, at least that’s the plan.

A few comments about Tunica …

The Gold Strike tournament and cash game area has to be the coldest indoor facility in which I have ever played poker. I wore sweat pants, a sweat shirt and even a ski hat and was still freezing. People were sneezing and hacking the whole time I was there. I can’t believe I didn’t get sick. I estimated the indoor temp at 60 with prevailing winds coming from the vents. I did see a players teeth chattering…huge tell that he was cold. The Grand Casino, host of the circuit event was probably around 65 degrees, just a tiny bit better. It was so cold that even Hillary Clinton would’ve warmed the place up.

[Rimshot!]

I hate it when you ask someone to make it warmer, the whole table agrees in harmony and then they say they will give them a call like they are a teenage girl about to ask their dad if they can go out with a 22 year old guy. They know that calling won’t do any good, and it doesn’t. Do we have to get NASA involved at the Gold Strike to help them figure this out? I know I sound like a pussy, but it was unbelievably cold.

A rule that favors locals …

Julie was playing in a juicy 20-40 limit hold’em game at the Horseshoe Casino. They have a rule that if 2 people are walking from the table the 3rd person that needs to get up can only be gone for one round. If they don’t make it back to the table in time they will be picked up. The first 2 people can be gone for about an hour and 45 minutes. This does suck real bad but it’s not the worst part. They also have a rule, that if you are gone from a must-move table and you are next on the list, they won’t move you, they move the next person on the list.

Julie was 3rd up on the must-move list. The game she was in was sweet and the main game was rock solid. What happens? Two locals in Julie’s game, one of whom has the button on the next hand, see a guy racking up from the main game. They jump up like Michael Jordan and leave the table immediately. Julie asked if there was a fire. Then the floor comes over to read the must-move list and what a surprise, the 2 jacks-in-the-box were 1 and 2 on the list. The floor tells Julie she has to move and explains this local rule…would have loved to have the recorder for this one. Julie gets moved and these 2 locals get to stay in the juicy game.

It is very wrong to have a rule which favors regulars. It sends a horrible message to players and makes them wonder what else is going on or what other rules do they not know about that could potentially screw them.

It was a good trip. It was fun to see some people and play PLO. Now back to Phoenix for a break then maybe off to San Diego to play at Harrah’s Rincon circuit event.

Make sure you listen to the next Beyond the Table for a great story about Devilfish in Tunica.

From: Tom Schneider
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 7:03 PM
To: ‘on tilt’
Subject: RE: it’s your favorite nuisance…

Hey OT,

You are in a similar position that I was many years ago. Good results, but no place to play, and playing too small to make a real living. In order to think that you could make a living playing poker, I think you need to test yourself at limits that would allow you to live the same or better than what you’re used to. In other words, if you make $50,000 per year, that’s about $25 per hour. You are going to need to play at least 10-20 limit or, I would say 5-10 NL. I think many people make the mistaken assumption that winning at 1-2 translates into winning at 5-10 and higher etc. I even find myself sometimes taking 1 month of good results and interpolating 12 good months and wow, I’m rich. I believe that you need to keep detailed records until you have the equivalent of at least 6 months of full time work, i.e. 1,000 hours at the table.

I hope this helps

—–Original Message—–
From: [on tilt]
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 4:24 PM
To: tom schneider
Subject: it’s your favorite nuisance…

On Tilt…remember me.

I hate to bother you. I really do. But you are the closest thing to an authority with a proven track record that I can ask.

So basically, I’ve already convinced myself that I could play cards for a living. But i have two things holding me back.

1. Bankroll. poker is essentially a part time job for me, and I partly live off of the money I make playing….so the bankroll is not growing. and between current job and family, I don’t get out to play cards enough to get ahead.

2. There aren’t any games big enough around here that make consistantly that would support doing it for a living. oh yeah, I limit almost exclusively when playing cash games at casino’s or local rooms.

well i think most of that was irrelevant. i made a post on a local forum, and someone suggested that i email you and ask your opinion…so here I am.

i’ll include a link to the post. i don’t expect you to post there, but if you have time to take a look, i would love to hear your thoughts.

oh yeah, just a little warning. the core group that post there have all become pretty good friends. don’t be alarmed by any derogatory banter or hazing you might encounter there.

here’s the link.

http://www.westonpoker.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=81425#81425

thank you for your time

on tilt

I have a few questions for you:

How many books do you think a lawyer reads about law before becoming a professional? How about an accountant? Pick a doctor to perform back surgery on you. Do you want the guy who hasn’t read anything since med school or the guy that has read 15 books in that time? The answer is clear for me. That’s why doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc. are required to go to continuing education to keep their license.

Besides, why wouldn’t you read virtually every book that might help you make money in your chosen profession? Why should poker players take their job less seriously than other professions? There are times when I have read a book and picked up some tips and thought what a dumbass. If I had read that book 6 months ago I would have made an extra $20,000 over that time by using that strategy.

One of the most ridiculous excuses I hear for not putting in proper study time is from people who claim to be “running good” and not wanting to screw up their play. How stupid are you? For those who don’t think they are capable of ignoring bad advice, don’t read the following: Chocolate ice cream is the best way to lose weight.

Are all books great? Of course not, but after you read several books you will start to become your own expert. You will be able to decide what is worthwhile and what is BS. You might even develop some of your own strategies that no one else has thought of. Then it becomes real fun.

For instance, I have done that in 2-7 triple draw and Badugi. These games have little if no information available on them. This is why you need to become your own expert. Every once in a while at Fort McDowell casino we would have a game where we could play whatever we wanted. We invented new games, Holdugi, Omadugi, Shenanigans, Scottsdaledugi and some we didn’t even have names for. Which players do you think had the edge when we had to figure out how to play these games?

Think about this. Let’s say that you are at work and you’re an accountant. You and two other accountants are in a meeting making a decision on the best accounting treatment for a particular situation. You say to yourself, “I’ll let these guys figure it out and let me know what they think, cuz I really don’t know.” Who do you think is paid the most in this situation?

Thus my point.

Just because you play poker and you don’t have a boss hovering over you doesn’t mean you should treat your job any less responsibly than a dentist. In fact, education in poker is more directly related to how much you take home that night than any other profession I can think of.

Just today I heard that Kobe shot 100,000 jump shots in the off-season. Here’s a guy who could take a little break from working hard, but doesn’t. I like his chances for having another fantastic year. Oh and Tiger is one of the hardest working guys on the tour. One of my favorite stories about Tiger is that during the British Open, some younger, reasonably well known player was having a brew with a few of the locals after his first round. While he was drinking at the pub he saw Tiger walk by the window wearing shorts and carrying a gym bag to go work out. I like his chances too.

Here are some excerpts from what he sent, and my honest opinions:

My name is Ralph, and I am a very big fan of your book. I am an avid poker player who is hoping to become a professional in the distant future. I just wanted to commend you on authoring such a simple, yet brilliant book. It has reemphasized so much of the values that have already been instilled in my life, yet has reminded me so much of the important things that I have forgotten along the way. I just couldn’t put the book down.

Right away, you can tell that this young man has wonderful taste, and no, this is not a fictitious caller on Beyond the Table.

I was hoping you could pass along some winning wisdom to me if you had the time. I am 26 years old and graduated from college with a BA in Communications in January 2007. I have been unemployed during this time with the exception that I have been working part time for the past 7 years. I’m really struggling to find my place in the “real world” being that I don’t consider myself too business savvy, or intellectually smart.

First of all, most people who graduate from college don’t know anything about business when they get out. The good news for you is that you are being honest with yourself about where you stand, and maybe a little too hard on yourself. You might be surprised, but most people have great discomfort about entering the business world. I thought I was pretty smart after graduating and found out that I was a tiny, dumb fish in a huge pond. Fortunately for you, astute business people realize that recent college graduates aren’t very business savvy right away, so they are looking primarily for effort and attitude, moreso than keen business acumen.

The one thing you need to work on is your lack of confidence. You are competing against people who do think they know what they are doing, and they have immense, unwarranted confidence. When hiring young people, I looked for people who had confidence in their desire to deliver significant effort and someone who wouldn’t disturb my cohesive team. I didn’t want a know-it-all. However, get excited about what you do know. I took a job as a CFO for a public company with no experience filing SEC documents. A friend of mine gave me excellent advice. “Act like you deserve to be there, and show up with confidence. No one expects you to know everything.”

You say that you don’t consider yourself to be very intellectually smart. The one thing that all good players have in common is that they tend to be pretty darn smart. This could be a problem too if you really believe what you are saying.

I started playing poker 3 years ago and have gotten very serious in my studies and commitment to the game. It is really hard to develop a professional poker career here in the suburban community where I live. I make drives down to the Commerce, Bike, and local Indian casinos. But it is hard grinding it in small no-limit games trying to build a bankroll. I believe my skills are up to par, but being the local home game hero does nothing to improve my game. It’s hard enough trying to network with other real players who can help me develop. I had saved enough money to play one $1500 event at the 2007 WSOP and enough money on the side to play a few satellites. As fate would have it, nothing but bad beats and cold decks. I am realistic about my skills, not thinking I’m the best, but knowing I’m good enough to make it. I’m old fashioned, and I don’t like to play online. I’m willing to put in the time, and gain more experience playing live. I recognize that I have bad bankroll management issues as well.

You really said a lot in this last paragraph. What I heard was, “it’s really hard” a couple of times. First of all, none of this is hard, but it does take commitment and effort. Saying that is an excuse. Most every time I have had any success in my life, it took significant effort and perseverance, but I never said to myself “this is so hard”. That phrase should be stricken from your speech.

Really hard? How about hanging out in Iraq getting bullets fired at you every day with sand that’s been in parts of your body you didn’t know you had while your wife is back home screwing your best friend? The stuff you’re talking about isn’t hard, especially if you love it. At one time, I loved poker. I couldn’t get enough of it. I don’t think I could blame anyone or anything on my pursuit of becoming a professional player. I had a full time job (60 hours/week), a wife and two children. I had excuses but chose not to use them.

What is a professional player anyway and what should you expect from a career in poker? From my vantage point, many of the people that you might call professional aren’t even close. My definition of being a professional player is someone who supports themselves by deriving more than 51% of their annual income through playing poker, year after year. Rich people who travel the circuit playing poker, aren’t professional poker players, they’re lucky to be able to do that. Players who borrow money to stay in action and owe bunches of money for more than a few months aren’t professionals. Based upon what I believe, I think that there are only 100-200 professional live tournament poker players in the U.S.

The other concept that is important is that if your full time poker playing provides you less than 50% of what you could make in another profession, you are wasting your time. This all may seem very harsh, but the reality is, most poker players are not professional including those that you see on T.V. all the time. Bankroll management is the most important concept of being a professional and some guys that you know who have won many events on and off T.V. have gone broke many times. As a professional that should not happen. Ego gets in their way, playing way too high for the bankroll.

As the WSOP player of the year, we could say that I had one fantastic WSOP. Yes, but let’s look at the facts. I cashed for about $400,000. I spent about $130,000 (guessing because I’m on the road) in entry fees. I made $270,000…that’s it. It seems like a lot of money, but I had an unbelievable WSOP. I spent/lost $25,000 in Barcelona and $20,000 at Niagara Falls. This stuff adds up fast. I’m not complaining. I’m trying to paint reality.

You mentioned that you are grinding in small games. That’s what 99 percent of the successful poker players have done in their careers. Poker is a food chain. You must grind in these lower games until you can move up the food chain until you get so high that you become the food. You will know when this happens if you keep detailed records. Do you know what your hourly rate is in these games to the nearest $0.25? If not, you need to go back to the drawing board.

You mentioned that you played in a $1,500 tournament. How big was your bankroll when you did that? I’m guessing it wasn’t big enough to take that shot. Playing professionally means guarding your bankroll with your life. It is your biggest and most important asset.

Finally regarding this paragraph no more bad beat stories. I have heard them all. The pros I really respect don’t tell them. If you tell them, you haven’t been around poker long enough. Start acting and talking like a true professional. Bad beats happen just like you don’t always get exactly what you order at the drive-thru.

Now I’m back home looking for a career so that I can save enough to get married and start a family, and also fuel my ambitions to one day become a tournament pro (I’d prefer it over being a cash game grinder).

I hate to harp. Marriage and poker work very infrequently. Great poker marriages are rarer than successful Hollywood marriages. Why? Most spouses don’t understand and don’t want to understand why poker is not pure gambling. Long hours, lost money, unpredictable earnings and other traps create a lot of stress on a marriage. If you have a dream of playing poker, play poker first, then get a wife after you have had success. Most women will insist that you get a day job and pursue this gambling thing later, and later will not come.

Am I trying to dissuade you from becoming a professional poker player? Partially, yes. Your goals of having a wife and family are in conflict with most everything about poker. There are some young guys that are playing on-line and have started families with some success. On-line play does make family life a little easier if your wife understands the gambling thing. You might have to change your views regarding on-line play.

If after all of these warnings and criticisms you still want to do it then pursue it with more energy and commitment than you’ve ever expended. It’s the only way you stand a chance. There are sharks out there waiting to take your money, and not all of them carry around a plastic one so you can identify them. Read, read and read some more. If you haven’t read at least 15 books on how to play better poker then you’re not serious.

You seem like a real nice guy, so I didn’t sugar coat anything. I could tell you that everything has been wonderful but it hasn’t. I have lost so much money that it made me physically ill. This is a tough business, if you look at the right people, you can see it in their eyes, and it’s not pretty.

Best of luck.

I’m normally not much of a complainer, but I want the people that aspire to be a professional tournament poker player to get a realistic idea of what that grind can really entail. Winning sure is fun, but traveling 50 hours in total, flight delays, losing your luggage and most all your C-notes is what it’s all about sometimes.

We arrived in Barcelona at noon on Wednesday. Julie got her luggage at 7 p.m. on Thursday. Let’s just say this would have been a good time for an “Angry Julie” segment on Beyond the Table. The good news for her though is that she had packed her very special curling-iron-blow-dryer-brush in my suitcase, so she didn’t have to go without that until I blew it up by plugging it into the wrong electrical converter. I wish I had recorded that. Then she gets into the shower and I hear, “To-oo-mmm!” Oh shit, what now? The shower’s not draining and water’s getting all over the bathroom floor. Just as we unpacked all our clothes we had to switch rooms.

Our new abode had a 4-foot obstruction right across our whole window. Excellent. And it had a similar problem with the plumbing.
Julie and I did play some cash games, and some even stranger things happened at Casino Barcelona.

First off, if you leave a cash table without picking up your chips, you will be blinded off just like in a tournament. This rule seemed to keep people from taking extended walks and leaving games short-handed, however, I don’t believe that the rule encouraged hand washing after relieving oneself – don’t want to take a 30 Euro dump.

While I was playing in a 20-40 Euro limit game, before the flop I wanted to re-raise to 60 Euro. I stacked 6 – 10 Euro chips on top of one another and shoved them forward across the betting line, then cut them into 2 stacks of 3 chips. The dealer immediately called string raise with the enthusiasm of the nuns that used to slap my wrist with a ruler in grade school. She seemed ecstatic to be able to do this. Then, like the gypsies the night before, a few locals at the table started crying, “yes, a string raise!” like they were so pleased. I had grown tired of this group fervor when it comes to screwing Tom. I said call the floor, which I haven’t done anywhere in years. The dealer looked shocked and didn’t seem to want to get the floor involved. I insisted. The floor came over and I showed him how I put my raise in. He wondered what the question was. Case closed. Gypsies lose this one.

Julie was playing in a 20-40 Euro limit hold’em game. There was a 40 Euro bet on the end. Julie won the pot, but one of the players thought it was appropriate to grab his 40 call back and conceal it in his hand. The shell game didn’t work this time on Julie. She insisted that the guy open up his hand. Voila! There was no trap door in his hand.

After getting knocked out of the WPT event with pocket aces, seeing some funny business going on at the casino and meeting some gypsies that took $450 from me, I thought it would be great to go out and see how the locals would treat us.

Unfortunately, the people of Barcelona are among the least friendly people in any major city I have ever been to. I’m told by my good friend John that the people of Catalan, which is like a state in Spain, are not very open people. Julie and I walked into 30 shops in a small town near Barcelona called Sitgen. Only one shop owner said, “Hola,” when we walked in. These folks could use a little help from Sam Walton. None of them smiled and none wanted to help us much if we were struggling with the language a bit. Both Julie and I know quite a few words in Spanish, but not Catalan, which is some snooty version of Espanol. It would be like someone going to San Francisco and using the word ain’t and the shop owner saying they don’t understand.

I’m sure that being from the good ole USofA didn’t help either. Some people around the world aren’t in support of our government including many people in the U.S.A. That’s OK, but I’m tired of us helping people that treat us like shit. I guess I shouldn’t have worn my medium sized “Viva George Bush!” T-shirt, with my hamburger filled belly partially hanging out. Note to self.

We decided to leave a day early only to get into Philly and have US Airways get us out 6 hours late, but we did get our luggage this time. (Note: I wrote this anticipating only being 6 hours late) It turns out that we were 13 hours late and Julie and I had to sleep in the airport. Angry Julie rides again, but she was nothing compared to some of the people that were ripping into U.S. Air people. As always the sleeping was wonderful at the Philly airport with a couple of guys needing to polish and wetvac the area right in front of where we were sleeping. In addition, the music playing throughout the place sounded like a score from Hannibal Lecter’s iPod played at teenager volumes.

Other than spending time with my good friend John and his wife, Bardelona was a bust. I don’t plan on making the trip back there until their attitude changes. What’s your line on the over/under of that happening? I hear the people of Scotland, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand are nice. I’m blowing my money on their gypsies next time.

My friend John lives in Barcelona and has for several years. He takes Julie and I down to this famous street called the Ramblas…don’t know if that’s the right spelling, and I don’t give a shit either. He looks at Julie’s wedding ring and suggests she not wear it and says that the only real crime in Barcelona is pick pocketers, so watch your purse and your wallet. I’m guarding my wallet like a pit bull and watching Julie’s purse like a trained assassin.

We are walking down the street and we see statue people. They dress up in unusual costumes and people pay them for this. We stumble onto this group of people in a circle making a lot of noise. I always like to see what’s going on so Julie, John and I squeeze in. The guy has 3 tops of match boxes which he rotates and scrambles while hiding a pea underneath one of them… in essence a shell game. The strange thing about this shell game is that people are winning at it and the pea is actually easy to spot in many cases. Enter dumbass.

Julie and I both see the pea under the same match box so we decide to bet. They want us to bet 100 Euros. OK, it’s for sure…NOT. We were wrong. How could that be? Oh well we watch for a little longer and people keep winning. We look interested again and the people around us urge us to bet again. They saw it too. Julie, as much as I love her, insisted that I get our money back and insisted too. I looked around for my friend John, and couldn’t see him. I was hoping he would advise, but I really didn’t want to bet anymore. The people around me virtually yelling at me to play and that I couldn’t lose. I got out my wallet to make a small bet and the GYPSIES saw my big wad, no I didn’t say unzipped my pants. Big mistake!

Now they will take U.S. $’s. A guy to my right grabbed almost all of my cash and urged me to bet it. I’ve never been in a building burning, but I would guess the mass exodus would have less confusion than what was going on here. People grabbing my cash. Other people yelling at me to bet, including Julie and her gypsy heritage. I finally got all but $300 of my cash back and voila, no pea under the box. My friend John later tells me that some old gypsy guy pushed him away from the crowd and looked like he was ready to beat the shit out of him if he tried to stop me.

I knew I didn’t want to bet, but there was literal pandemonium. The guy doing the pea thing is urging me to bet more and he knows where the pea is. This really is a great scam. There is a trap door on the platform and when he presses down the pea is gone and so is my cash. If you would like to learn more about the scams in Barcelona and this particular one go to http://www.jones.tc/barna/scams.html

Winning Wisdom: If this dumbass can win, there’s hope for everyone.

We have spelling bees and Scrabble championships on TV and none of the competitors have little “charks” and make munching sounds then yell their name “HUMBERTO, HUMBERTO”. None of them spell a tough word and start making animal sounds while moving their bodies in hunchback dance moves. Could you imagine Humberto as a little kid competing in a spelling bee and yelling his name every time he spelled a word correctly, then getting out a little Power Ranger and acting like he is going to hit the little girl he is competing against?

We as poker players should want nice people with lots of money to come play with us. Do you think when Bill Gates sees Hevad Kahn doing his monkey noises and strange gyrations he says to himself, “boy I want to play with that guy? Maybe I could get that guy to represent Microsoft.” I’m guessing not; however, I guess that’s exactly what Pokerstars says. He is now a face on Pokerstars. Why would any company want to associate with these embarrassing people? Answer, they get a lot of exposure on TV. Michael Vick is getting a ton of exposure, I hear he likes gambling too, and he’s available for about 5-10 years.

Poker is reaching the lowest common denominator, and it’s a joke. I am really tired of people having to exhibit ridiculous behavior in order to get noticed in poker. There was actually a guy at a featured table at the main event who made balloon animals for the other players at the table. Are people really this desperate to get on TV? The answer is clear. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things that I’m willing to do at a featured table next year.

• Bring a large block of ice and chisel an ice sculpture of Norman Chad.
• Recite poetry
• Dress in renaissance clothing and use a turkey leg as a card protector while spouting such phrases as “Oh my damsel, you must taketh the spoils of the pot for you are a most worthy adversary”
• Strap a fake bomb to myself and continue to chant in some middle-eastern bogus language so security is forced to find someone who speaks my language
• Wear no shirt and have on masking tape underwear
• Last but not least, play my best, be nice and have fun.

Is that not enough anymore?

I would love for these idiots not to be shown on TV. Why? There are so many reasons but here are just a few.

These kinds of behaviors encourage others to be more ridiculous, and they must be more over-the-top in order to get attention. That reminds me of the WWF (World Wrestling Federation)

Imagine if all players behaved this way, poker would suck so bad, all decent people would be done. It would take forever to play one round because each player would have to shout their name, do some monkey dance and then hold up their cards to the audience and start singing.

Whether they believe it or not, these people are not entertaining. They are not characters of the game. They are trying way too hard. Characters act themselves which is what makes them unique. These types of people will be remembered as inconsiderate and juvenile. They are irritating, rude and most of all show horrible sportsmanship. Could you imagine Tiger or Phil behaving this way on the golf course? Tiger would not have received all of the wonderful spoils he has gotten without class and composure.

I don’t mind the occasional fist pump on a really important hand; however, most white guys suck at that.

I’m tired of people defending these celebratory idiots. He’s a nice guy away from the table. I keep hearing this. I disagree. It’s like saying besides beating his wife, he’s a great guy. Great guys don’t stomp on someone after a devastating loss. They beat their opponent then shake their hand. I have seen cage fighters kick the shit out of their opponent then go hug them when the match is over.

Let’s get our industry out of the gutter and make poker entertaining because of the cunning, calculating guts that the best players have.

In order to solve the problem, we first have to define it. In my opinion, the problem is that up until now it has been impossible to please everyone regarding structure. I have been in a tournament talking about the structure of the tournament with the players at my table, and one says, “This tournament is too slow, I like a faster structure, so I don’t have to sit around all day.” Another player says, “I like the structure, it gives me a chance to play”, and believe it or not, a guy across the table says, “This is too fast, we are going to lose half the field after 4 levels.”

I have a couple of concerns about our existing structures. Even though the structures are printed before the tournament, players don’t know what they mean in terms of average stack size compared to the blinds at each level. Also, it’s hard to determine how fast players will be eliminated based upon just seeing the structure sheet. The tournament might have been planned for a slow structure and turn into a fast one based upon the timing of player eliminations.

I think it would be great to know that when you are in a tournament, the average stack size as compared to the blinds will most always be a constant. Therefore, before you enter a tournament, you would know that this tournament will adjust the blinds only after enough people have been eliminated in order to justify an increase in the blinds to keep the same ratio of average stack size to big blind.

For example, at the main event at the WSOP, each player starts out with 20,000 in chips and the blinds are 50-100. This means that at the beginning of the tournament, the ratio of average chips to big blind is 200. Therefore, the average stack size has to be 30,000 prior to the blinds moving to 150-300. The increase in blinds is based upon the number of people eliminated, not the clock. Now instead of having a blind structure sheet, tournament directors would say that the main event is a “200-times structure.” Now you know everything you need to know.

If you are playing in a 10-times structure tournament, you know that it is a real fast tournament. The average stack will always be 10 times the big blind. Very few tournaments would be a 200-times structure, and maybe the main event wouldn’t be either. Other alternatives would be to say the tournament will start at a 200-times structure for the first 4 hours and then it will change to 150 for another 4 hours and then stick at 100 for the rest of the tournament.

If you don’t like fast tournaments, my guess is that you would not enter a tournament that is a 10-times structure. You might make all your tournament “play or don’t play” decisions based upon this one “x-times” number. How simple. It would be hard for a player to complain about the tournament structure. Now, making the final table will give you a chance to maneuver if you have an average stack and will make for some great final tables.

This takes all the guesswork out of the tournament and all the complaining, except for one group of people, the companies paying for the filming. It will make more play at the final table which can increase film production costs, but oh well, the tournaments are for the players. Aren’t they?

And yes, I said get rid of the clock! (except for bathroom breaks, of course)

Do you know how much the person at the Gap makes when you go in to buy your plaid shorts? Do you know how much the guy makes that is changing the oil in your Yugo? How much does the Slot Manager at Caesar’s Palace make? Who cares about any of this, and who cares how much dealers make except for dealers and the people hiring them?

What should a dealer make? I say pay them whatever they need to be paid to attract reasonably talented people. The answer I’m guessing is probably somewhere between $20 and $35 per hour. For a full time employee, that’s an annual salary between $41,600 and $72,800.

Excepting errors, does the dealer have anything to do with me winning or losing a tournament? If you say yes, start collecting stamps not playing poker. Since the answer is no, why should I tip them? Do I want them to make a good wage? Of course I do. So here’s the plan. In this plan I will use the WSOP as the example:

The WSOP establishes a ranking process whereby they use years of experience and floor-people rankings of dealers to establish an hourly rate for each dealer. The most experienced and best dealers make the $35/hour rate and the least experienced, lower ranked dealers make $20/hour and the others fall somewhere in between. Should WSOP tournament dealers make more than other dealers? Maybe they should and most likely yes. They are temporary employees (no health insurance and other customary benefits) that sometime incur travel expenses and often work extra long shifts.

Now that the WSOP has figured out how much each dealer makes, they can calculate approximately how much in total that will be for each tournament and divide it by the number of players in the tournament and prominently display it on your buy-in receipt. STOP! You are not interested in that anymore are you? You forgot, it’s none of your business and why should it be? The WSOP will take 9% or 10% out and that’s it. The dealers pay, their profit and other expenses are all part of that number. And if you don’t like that number, bye bye. Go play the World Series of Poker somewhere else. As my good buddy Robert says, “Vote with your feet”. As for me, my feet will be at the Rio.

If you were a dealer, wouldn’t you like to know how much you are going to make per hour before you accept a job and get surprised at the end with small paycheck? Of course you would.

I have played golf at non-tipping clubs before, and I really liked it. Everyone gets the same high quality service and the employees are paid an above average wage. Everyone’s happy and no pressure with workers having their hand out all the time. And if the employees aren’t good, no problem it’s easy to find a replacement because they are paid an above average wage for the work they do.

WSOP, you have my approval to pay dealers, based upon the hours they work and the quality of their work an above average wage, and I don’t mind if you charge just a little more so that this discussion can be over forever. However, we are now a non-tipping club. You will not ask me to tip and any employees accepting tips will be fired. Your employees will treat everyone as if they are a good customer that is contributing to their pay.

Why did we ever start tipping anyway? Just for the record, you can ask cash game dealers and I believe they will tell you that I’m a consistent reasonably good tipper. Do I tip in tournaments? When I came in 3rd at the WPT in Reno, I won $256,000. I tipped $5,000. Several friends asked me what I tipped, and they all told me that I was an idiot and that the tip had already been taken out. Did I tip at the 2007 WSOP? Yes, but it was not at my discretion, it was already calculated for me.

Two final thoughts:

Did Jamie Gold and Yang stiff the dealers? If you call $150,000-$200,000 a stiff, I guess so. But, if you call that a stiff you’re a nut-job.

Who pays the tip, each entrant or the winners? First answer this question. Does the WSOP have $925 or $9,800 tournaments? No! All of their tournaments are even numbers and would be even numbers no matter what tipping system is used. So, if I didn’t cash in an event (loser) would it have saved me any money if they didn’t take the tip out? No again, I would have paid the same amount. The main event is $10,000 no matter how you slice it. The tip comes out of what the winners receive, not what the losers pay.

Tom Schneider ($416,829):
Event 5: 1st/327 Omaha/Seven Card Stud Hi-Low-8 or Better
Event 16: 4th/382 H.O.R.S.E.
Event 46: 1st/668 Seven Card Stud Hi-Low-8 or Better

Jeff Lisandro ($457,309):
Event 7: 13/145 Pot Limit Omaha W/Rebuys
Event 13: 2nd/398 World Championship Pot Limit Hold’em
Event 32: 1st/213 Seven Card Stud
Event 40: 18/620 Mixed Hold’em limit/no-limit
Event 46: 62/668 Seven Card Stud Hi-Low-8 or Better

Robert Mizrachi ($861,138)
Event 5: 26/327 Omaha/Seven Card Stud Hi-Low-8 or Better
Event 9: 40/690 Omaha Hi-Low Split-8 or Better
Event 16: 6th/382 H.O.R.S.E.
Event 26: 5th/192 H.O.R.S.E.
Event 50: 1st/314 World Championship Pot-Limit Omaha

Phil Hellmuth ($738,724)
Event 10: 104/1,531 No-Limit Hold’em
Event 15: 1st/2,628 No-Limit Hold’em
Event 28: 6th/827 No-Limit Hold’em
Event 34: 25th/296 Limit Hold’em
Event 45: 31st/728 No-Limit Hold’em / Six Handed
Event 52: 95/1,048 No Limit Holdem w/ rebuys

Freddy Deeb ($2,291,489)
Event 4: 45/481 Pot Limit Hold’em
Event 30: 27/847 No-Limit Hold’em / Six Handed
Event 39: 1st/148 World Championship H.O.R.S.E.

The current method of determining the POY is to give the same amount of points to each tournament excluding the Main Event, the $50,000 Horse Event and all other events that are restricted, i.e. Seniors, Ladies, Casino Employees and Media. A player receives 100 points for a win no matter what event he wins, 75 points for a second all the way down the line to 5 points for cashing.

Before providing your assignment, here are some of the comments that I have heard regarding the criterion to determine the POY. I’m not saying that I agree or disagree with any of them. Number of players in the field, dollar amount won, dollar amount of buy-in, versatility in tournaments won, the $50K HORSE should count, the Main Event should count, perceived skill of field, and I’m sure there are more. Come up with your own too.

Here’s what I would like you to think about. First look at the performances of the five players above and any other player you would like to include. Based upon your own beliefs about what the criterion should be, pick your winner of the POY. Now that you have your POY, design a system that would end up selecting your player. I think you’ll find that its not easy, however, I may have a little say in this process next year, so I would love the feedback of the smart readers of Pokerati.