For the first time, I listened to the NWP Radio show last night because it was a tribute to Brandi Hawbaker. Her suicide has deeply affected me, and I hoped to hear some interesting perspective on her life and death. Almost two hours into the show, I did hear those things from Brandi’s ex-boyfriend Brandon and friend Jenn, though they were abruptly cut off in the midst of a very interesting discussion at the show’s end.

Dan Druff, who I know didn’t mean his comments in any sort of malicious way, exemplified many of the opinions I’ve heard since the news of Brandi’s suicide became public. People who have no personal, family, or friend history with mental illness have a rather narrow-minded and simplistic view of most types of mental difficulties. Brandon and Jenn did their best to dispel myths and shed some light on the complexities of people inflicted with such a disease, but it seems to be very difficult for outsiders like Druff to comprehend it.

Over the past week, I’ve had numerous conversations with people in the poker community about Brandi’s suicide. Most of their comments are rooted in pure shock at the thought of someone taking her own life. “It’s the most selfish thing someone can do,” someone said. “She must have done it to get back at the people who were mean to her,” another commented. “How does life get so bad that you want to die?”

Let me first say that I only knew Brandi through a handful of encounters. I met her during the 2006 Bellagio Five Diamond series when she tagged along for a meal with Dutch Boyd and me. It was a time that neither of them was in a good place, and it was a disturbing day to say the least. At the 2007 WSOP, I saw Brandi several times, and she made sure to mention to me that I was the only female in poker who was nice to her. While I’m sure that is not true, it made me sad to hear her say it. She also tried to get me to spend a day at the spa with her, but I was too busy with my work schedule at the time. In no way can I say that I knew her or had any personal insight into her thoughts or actions.

I’d like to also mention – in a roundabout way – that I have my own history with someone very close to me who suffered from depression throughout her life. Though I do not have any personal knowledge of personality disorders, such as the kind that Brandi reportedly suffered from, I feel that I know enough about suicide to make a few points.

It was stated on NWP Radio that Brandi’s mental illness was hereditary. She had been through counseling and taken medication, but neither helped enough to save her. Despite being highly intelligent and receiving the only type of help that people knew to give her, and while she hated hurting people and doing things that she couldn’t take back, it was part of the disease.

Again, while I can’t speak to the personality disorder, I can address suicide. And though I have absolutely no idea about what actually went through Brandi’s head prior to the suicide, I know what leads many people to go through with it.

Most people who contemplate suicide do so because they suffer from an incredible amount of pain – mainly a deep depressive psychological pain – that only gets worse over time without the proper treatment. The pain becomes so debilitating that there are few ways to ease it. Brandi was a cutter; she showed me the cuts on her legs. Sometimes, cutters feel that the release of blood will ease the pain. But when it doesn’t work, the cuts can get deeper and the yearning for relief becomes overwhelming. Not every person in this state of mind resorts to cutting, and those who don’t have no other way to stop the internal pain other than to end the life altogether.

Some who commit suicide do so in a lonely state of mind, believing that no one cares. Others have such a distorted view of themselves and those around them that they truly feel that they are a burden on others. By committing suicide, it is a way to end the suffering of those around them, who will no longer have to be hurt, embarrassed, sad, or angry.

Those who are left behind after a suicide of a friend or family member are devastated and riddled with guilt. It is inevitable and will only subside over time. Hopefully, Jenn and Brandon will consider counseling to help them through the rough time, but instructing them not to feel guilty is not the answer. They must go through a process of examining their own actions – not because they did anything wrong or inappropriate, but it is the natural progression of dealing with a tragedy such as this.

I can say with much confidence that most suicide victims do not intend to leave their loved ones with such guilt, but their thoughts are so distorted that it is nearly impossible to think of it as anything but a favor to those people. There is enough self-blame in the picture – on the part of the deceased and those left behind – to go around. But I will speculate just as Jenn and Brandon did tonight that no poker forum, poker player, or incident in the world of poker drove Brandi to end her life. Blame of any kind in this situation is counter-productive and a waste of time. The people involved have their own feelings to sort through, but most know that blame is not the answer.

My reason for posting this is that there are such misconceptions and ignorance about mental illness because it has traditionally been a private, secretive disease. It can be so terrifying that those who have never dealt with it simply cannot fathom the realities of it.

Look around. Chances are you know someone with a mental illness – whether it is being treated or not. Listen to those people – don’t judge or draw conclusions based on generalities. Whether you can help or not may be a moot point, but it is important to try to understand and be aware. More than 32,000 people commit suicide each year.

I hope that Brandi has found the peace she sought for so long.

Jenn and Brandon have created a tribute video to Brandi that can be found at RawVegas.tv.

It has been confirmed by the guys at NeverWin Poker that Brandi Hawbaker took her own life on Sunday. She was 26-years old.

Brandi’s relationship with the poker community was a rocky one, to say the least. She certainly battled various inner demons for years, and it seems that the struggle was too rough. Anyone who has experienced that kind of severe mental instability knows that this may have seemed to her like the best way to end the battle, and it is sad that the illness won.

Rest in peace, Brandi.

The Lowdown…It was card dead with a big stack going all-in every hand so NO MOVES were allowed. I did managed to flop an ace against this guy who passed over a few chips but I was still stuck with an infamous alternate short stack. After a table move, things proved to be better when I made the decision to move in with the next decent hand, oops I looked down at aces and tripled up. Long, boring story short…I proudly took home 20th with money going to the top 18 places. I nursed my growling stomach with a warm slice of pizza and went home. Although a couple of women cashed…my friends were disappointed there was no sign of Brandi Hawbaker nor Vinnie Vinh.

BTW – The noon tournament with 700 players started a shouting match about a 40-person chop. They argued for an hour until they convinced the chip leaders to make a bad decision (first place was 100k) finally settling on a 30-way chop. Roughly 8k went to the field with the top five taking 11k-ish.

It was good times, fun poker but a late night in Vegas.

The 5pm Stud Hi/Lo event has more pros at every table than Seattle has coffee (not per capita). Marcel Luske, Mel Judah, Todd Brunson, Annie Duke, Bill Chen, Mike Sexton, Steve Wong, Barney Boatman and Chip Reese are just a few pros. And I mean few in the sense that I only named a few because there are really more than a few. And did I mention TOM SCHNEIDER?

More on Pokernews.

For whatever reason, Clonie insisted it was not Sklansky but rather some random old guy — because surely Sklansky would never violate any terms of rules and etiquette, right? With all due respect to the original boom-era poker babe, I am willing to bet, oh, I dunno, how ’bout $250, that Clonie is so wrong. Not about the coaching, but about the identity of the bald and scruffy rail rooster, who looks very similar to this guy, shot by Shuttergyp last year wearing his lucky shirt:

Here is some plausibly interesting raw audio of my two Beyond the Table cohorts recapping Day 1 — with intense, hardcore hand histories to boot:

Tom Schneider/Karridy Askenasy – 4/22/07
[display_podcast]

Highlights below:

0:55 — Tom vs. Cyndi Violette, Ralph Perry, Alan Goehring, and Dustin “Neverwin” Woolf
1:40 — Tom fails to maximize a monster boat against a smaller boat against Goehring
4:10 — Tom on Woolf’s sharpness — losing as little as possible with “top-top” vs. Tom’s set of deuces
7:10 — Goehring’s min-raise strategy ==> implosion
8:30 — WPT structure: 5 levels of play = Yea!
9:15 — Anna Wroblewski, chip leader, pulls the cute-pretend-drunk-girl-spilling-a-beer trick to flop a flush and triple up
10:00 — Brandi Hawbaker flopping 10 sets at Tom’s table (in a previous event) to finish 36th
11:20 — “We love to bag chips”
11:40 — Casino Arizona representin’ (8 of Tom’s buddies still alive)
12:00 — Day 2 strategy
12:40 — Karridy predicts cards will “hit you in the head”
13:00 — Playing post-flop small-ball
14:55 — Cyndi Violette misplays a hand?
16:10 — Karridy loves CardPlayer, Tom loves PokerNews

First off, happy February 14. If you do a Yahoo! or Google image search for “valentine poker” (quotes excluded) here’s the first thing you see:

HOLLAND has officially legalized online poker, licensing the game to its government-run land-based casino. This development comes shortly after a round of raids on AMSTERDAM home games. (See the connection?)

UTAH has no intentions of legalizing gambling, but the state did amend some recent legislation to ensure that AMATEUR TEXAS HOLD’EM is allowed in bars.

Meanwhile, WYOMING is one step closer to legalizing “social” cash games in bars and restaurants, though big tourney action may still be outlawed.

A lot’s going down in MACAU, which apparently generated more gambling revenue than LAS VEGAS in 2006. This sorta expansion has Virgin pioneer RICHARD BRANSON putting a few billion into the Asian gambling pot.

But Chinese casino mogul STANLEY HO isn’t gonna let the round-eyes gank all his action.

JOHNNY CHAN has plans to eventually open shop in Macau (and elsewhere) — has partnered with the makers of The Block to create “the world’s first poker hotel.” Tourney director extraordinaire MATT SAVAGE is part of his team — we can only hope this doesn’t mean all of China will be taught to do the flop one card at a time.

Here’s a pokery valentine, from CUBA:

Speaking of communism, you probably have heard by now that the US ATTORNEY’S OFFICE has seized $55 million worth of Neteller funds as evidence.

About $520 of that belongs to yours truly. I suppose that makes me COLLATERAL DAMAGE in the [tag]War on Poker[/tag]:

Here is what Neteller has to say about how and when we will get our money.

Amy and the Shrink have an update on the investigation into a seriously BOTCHED COLOR-UP during last year’s WSOP main event.

It coincides with news that HERSHEY’S has been named the Official Chocolate of the 2007 WSOP. Mmmm, two million extra chocolate chips!

POKERTEK, makers of dealerless electronic poker tables, is being sued by TELLIS, a TEXAS-based software company that doesn’t even have a website.

Haley continues to investigate the legal battles between HARRAH’S and FREDERIC SCHIAVO over the rights to WSOP.COM.

This valentine from PKR.com suggests that while a man’s hand may seem stronger than a woman’s … it’s still possible that she’s holding the nuts:

UPDATE: Just re-watched the vid, and the lady actually would need some help on the turn to make her straight-flush.

Did you know the proportion of WOMEN PLAYING POKER continues to grow? The XX-chromosome set reportedly represents 30 percent of online players now.

BRANDI HAWBAKER, cute-as-pie poker girl and Full Tilt nipple-cover model, has reportedly found a new way to fund her bankroll by stripping at SPEARMINT RHINO. (Congrats on the new sponsorship deal!)

Remember, on February 14 and forever …

I have to admit, I kinda avoided weighing in on the story of Brandi’s run-in with an ill-placed pokery penis … in part because I questioned its relevance, and because I would never want to disrespect women preferred to remember her as the cute boppity tournament-trail newcomer with a big innocent smile, extra-healthy chip stacks, and a crazy little sticker on her boobie. But now with Sklansky, and maybe even Amarillo Slim, we have the makings of a trend … or at least a reality-show pilot.

Thanks for the link, Michele … and by the way, big ups on your new pics, but where’s your sticker shot?!?