Warning: What follows is a bad beat story. If you have an aversion to such tales (like I do), please skip this post.

I was playing very well on PokerStars this eve, so I decided to try my new-and-improving tournament game in their “Nightly Seventy Grand” — a $50+5, $70k guaranteed … with about 1,300 players, 198 get paid.

Though I made one mistake that cost me half my stack, and one fold that was correct but woulda worked out in my favor, I was still in good chip position (about 230thish with 735 or so remaining) and my head was in the right place. No tilt factor … knew to be patient and I’d get my hand.

I had already begun thinking about the glorious post I would write upon taking down the $12k first prize — and accepting in my mind that odds were still against my actual winning, so this would more likely be a battle to see just how deep I could get into the real money — but instead I got a reminder of why poker sucks “tournament pro” must be such a terrible way to make a living.

Click below for the complete textual hand history. I can’t stop thinking about it — about an hour and a half later. I’m pretty sure I played the hand itself as right as i could (pushing all-in preflop with Aces), so all I’m left with are regrets over the hand I misplayed an orbit or so earlier. Those extra chips (I was in the top 25 at the time) probably woulda been enough to push RoryClan83 and his 44 out of there, and even if not I’d still have been alive after my Aces got so painfully double-cracked.

Instead, I gave the dumbass my distinguished opponent from Del Boca the ammunition to kill me.

(He would go on to finish in 100th place, paying $105.)

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Mike Matusow and Player X, who has a thick accent from somewhere and a bracelet in something. Click to zoom in.

After much hemming and hawing, I decided to give the $1,500 HORSE a try, what I called “baby” HORSE when discussing it with Andy Bloch in the halls of the Rio. (I think he played it too. What must it be like to bust out of the $50K HORSE and then enter the $1,500 version?)

I had technically “won” the seat already through the Full Tilt Poker Battle of the Blogger tournaments, but I suppose I could throw that money towards anything I wanted (like a new stove that the wife really, really wants). But speaking of decorum, that wouldn’t seem like the right thing to do. So play I did.

My table included five guys I had no clue about, Mike Matusow and Mysterious European WSOP Bracelet Winner (otherwise known henceforth as Player X). Dan has pictures so maybe he will add them to this post. Hint, Hint.

When Matusow walked up to the table, he started counting the fish. He couldn’t find any until I raised my hand.

“Yeah, you look pretty fishy,” he said. “Just kidding, My name’s Mike. Nice to meet you.”

As per most WSOP events, the structure was fast. Either you catch some hands quick to double up and get some play or you go home. For the first two levels I wasn’t really doing either. I think I knew it was going to be a rough day when I raised from the BB in O8 with A-2-3-4 to see a flop of K-4-3, a turn of 7 that made my nut low and a 4 on the river that gave me a complementary full house. Of course, I got quartered by one player’s kings full and Matusow’s A-2.

Meanwhile, Matusow continued chatting up Player X every minute of every hour (they don’t call him “The Mouth” for nothing) with tales of 50K HORSE. He had invested in Mike Wattel, who was the $124K bubble boy in the event.

“He really needed that money,” Matusow said, adding that he saw Wattel in the hall after his bust out and he looked like he wanted to die. Apparently, Wattel had a few stacks shorter than his on the bubble and played a hand he shouldn’t have involved in, according to Matusow.

As for me, I wanted my $1,500 back after I got crippled in Stud. Sarting with split aces, I made aces up on fifth and got check raised by a player who started with a 10 showing and had added a K and Q to his upcards. Not sure if he had a straight, I called him down to try to fill up. I did not and he showed rolled up 10s.

I busted shortly later in Stud/8 when I missed both a low and flush draw. Matusow took the high with two pair and another played got the low (Mr. kings full).

A common question I’m getting these days: “So are you playing much? How’s it going?”

In a nutshell, at the tables, not particularly well. (Especially compared to last year, whence I shocked myself by making more money playing during the WSOP than actually working during the WSOP.) I’ll see if we can’t whip up a visually compelling WSOP bankroll chart/graph … but in the meantime, it’s not like you have to be able to read music to get a sense of what the following — which is all the poker I have played over the past two weeks — would look like:

Day 2, 2/5 NL, Rio, 3 hours:
-$300

Day 6, 2/5 NL, Rio, 2 hours:
-$300

Day 12, 1/3 NL, Rio, 3.5 hours:
-$187

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On Friday I made a pretty big decision that I wasn’t going to play at all here (at the Rio, at least) during the WSOP …

$2/$5 NLH
Buy-in: $300
Cash out: $0
Net: -$300

Argh … the cost of testing out our new little Twitteresque CSR.

And maybe Tom … and their nice friend from Phoenix whose name I forget:

Somewhere along the way to posting six losing sessions out of eight and after receiving a severe tongue-lashing from Robert G (with echoes of Tulsa in my head) I abandoned my soccer-shootout tally and quest for five wins in a row. Hadn’t given it a thought since then, really, until today, upon seeing the results of my past four sessions:

DATE — VENUE — HRS — GAME — BUYIN(s) — CASHOUT — EXTRA — NET
15-Mar – venetian — 5.5 — 2/5 nlh — 600 (2) — 776 — 2 — 174
21-Mar – paris — .25 — 1/2 nlh — 200 (1) — 249 — 2 — 47
22-Mar – golden nugget — 3 — 1/2 nlh — 200 (1) — 1709 — 0 — 1509
24-Mar – venetian – 2.25 – 1/2 nlh — 200 (1) — 1262 — 2 — 1060

I swear I won’t be thinking about it next time I play.

Damn, with all the poker media showing up, I gotta be wondering how on earth everyone’s fitting in. The entire tournament room at Caesar’s Palace is taken for the NBC Heads-up Poker Championship stage … though probably less than 20 percent of that spacious area is allotted for actual seats and non-gaming tables.

Check it out: I shot this last night, around midnight, after the drawing party at Pure:

Dealers, chip runners, and cocktail waitresses were all talking about what a madhouse it was gonna be today. The action was kinda amped up. Though no one tried to make much of it, Jason Alexander had slipped away after the drawing party to play a little 2/5 NLH.

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North Texas fireworks kingpin Ran Nelson brought his tight-aggressive Dallas game recently to the Mandalay Bay.

Though I haven’t been writing much about anything it, I have been hitting the tables here in Vegas. Have sampled a handful of rooms and action … spreading the lore of the Hammer and the Sang all along the way, of course, as I seek to replace the competitive camaraderie of the Batface home game perhaps with something akin to Jackie’s back in the (Dallas underground hey)day.

That came easier than usual this week, when TBR-bro-in-law Patrick came to town. He was staying at the Luxor, so we met up at Cathouse for a drink. (Cathouse is basically like the Lodge without the nipples, and Celeb-chef Kerry Simon in place of Jose Luis.) A couple Lagavulins later, we walked over to Mandalay Bay, where we took two seats together at a $2/$4 no-limit table. This was bigger stakes than either of us had been playing, but hey, we were feelin’ half-drinky good, and it seemed a better option than waiting, as the room was totally full and festive on a Thursday night. A familiar face was seated with us – Ran Nelson, a very good Dallas player whom I hadn’t seen since the days of Jackie’s – what a delight. He had a new cardmarker, a square block of acrylic with his little Stuey guy inside of it, surrounded by chips from the various important poker rooms to Ran, including WinStar in Oklahoma and the old Sixth Street in Dallas.

I was playing great – more-than-doubled up in about an hour by trapping a well-stacked opponent in classic Dan-style … but then was back to square 1 a few hands later when I got unlucky on the turn … and back to square 0 when I don’t remember what I did but I am pretty sure it was stupid, starting with playing the likes of [cards]qs 4s[/cards].

Mandalay Bay
$2/$4 NLH
Buy-in: $300
Cash out: $0
Food: starved
Drinks: $28
Net: -$328

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A series of deep-stack tourneys just kicked off over at the Venetian yesterday — $300, $500, $1,000 buy-ins and the like — the 2008 Deep Stack Extravaganza I. It was apparently a pretty big deal … I heard two reports — one saying 600 people with 200 alternates. The other claiming 550 players, and yeah, um, lots of alternates it was crazy! I couldn’t make it, however, because I was engaged in an important face-to-face with the Axis of Evil and poker’s hottest new celebrity dictator, Kim Jong Il:

Apparently the North Korean leader was in town to denounce American political sanctions and play $1/$3 No Limit Hold’em at the Rio.

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It’s been a long time since I posted an online hand history, but if we can’t celebrate this one, then really … why are we here?

(Props to Robert Goldfarb on how I played it to maximize my return.)

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OK, so I already talked about how the Barcelona gypsies took my money, and you may have read about how I busted out early in the WPT Spanish Championship – I should have re-raised with Aces instead of calling a raise with them – but what about the rest of the trip?

I’m normally not much of a complainer, but I want the people that aspire to be a professional tournament poker player to get a realistic idea of what that grind can really entail. Winning sure is fun, but traveling 50 hours in total, flight delays, losing your luggage and most all your C-notes is what it’s all about sometimes.

We arrived in Barcelona at noon on Wednesday. Julie got her luggage at 7 p.m. on Thursday. Let’s just say this would have been a good time for an “Angry Julie” segment on Beyond the Table. The good news for her though is that she had packed her very special curling-iron-blow-dryer-brush in my suitcase, so she didn’t have to go without that until I blew it up by plugging it into the wrong electrical converter. I wish I had recorded that. Then she gets into the shower and I hear, “To-oo-mmm!” Oh shit, what now? The shower’s not draining and water’s getting all over the bathroom floor. Just as we unpacked all our clothes we had to switch rooms.

Our new abode had a 4-foot obstruction right across our whole window. Excellent. And it had a similar problem with the plumbing.
Julie and I did play some cash games, and some even stranger things happened at Casino Barcelona.

First off, if you leave a cash table without picking up your chips, you will be blinded off just like in a tournament. This rule seemed to keep people from taking extended walks and leaving games short-handed, however, I don’t believe that the rule encouraged hand washing after relieving oneself – don’t want to take a 30 Euro dump.

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Let’s not talk about me (and how turning the straight with the second-nuts flush draw didn’t get there) … no no, there’s far more excitement going on in Scottsdale, as our good friends in the Arizona Posse are making quite a showing online this weekend.

Big Robert won a 300-player multi on Full Tilt last night–paid about $7,000–and tonight he’s sweating Pat Poels and Ryan Hughes, who are both at two different WCOOP final tables on PokerStars.

Poels is chip leader with seven left in 2-7 Triple Draw, and Hughes is sitting solid in Pot Limit Omaha (6-max). Both are playing for big five-figure payouts … actually Poels Hughes is already there.

Meanwhile, I’m deciding whether or not to drive home … or to Arizona.

UPDATE: Poels — pstarfish – finished 2nd (out of 649) to win $18,821. Hughes — elycash41 – finished 3rd (out of 1,818) to win $27,379. Nice job, Arizona! Way to represent. So wanna party like you guys.

THACKERVILLE, Okla.–Damnit, where’s my head? I guess I went on tilt when I folded away a $700 pot. I had K-J (with a jack as the top card on a no-straight, no-flush board) and folded to an all-in from Mr. iPod Hoodie Happy Feet. He showed me Q-J.

Tight is wrong! That or I shoulda thought longer to keep him on the hand I put him on on the flop.

Two questionable all-ins later (one of which fell victim to a three outer) I find myself down about $500 and some change. Have already put a call in to Goldfarb to talk me through this mini-meltdown.

LAS VEGAS–Funny how being in Las Vegas has put me so out of touch with all the poker news. I think there are some big tournaments going on, online poker execs in the courts, business deals shaking down, but I’ve got little to report other than poker being played. Still, it’s been kinda interesting to see who you run into at the tables around this town:

The first notable I ran into was OREL HERSHEISER, who apparently just moved here to Las Vegas and sat to my left in a 1/2 NLH game at RED ROCK — fresh after being denied selection into the baseball HALL OF FAME. I tried to play the not-knowing-who-he-is thing — “You lost a vote? Were you running for city council or congress or something?” — but he would end up busting me out when I tried to run a little STOP-N-GO. As I pushed all-in, he asked, “How much money do you have?”

“Um, I’m all-in. About $140 more,” I said, pointing to my stacks.

“No, I mean other money. Because we can make a little side-bet away from the table,” he said, upon showing me THE NUTS.

Red Rock seems to be the OFF-STRIP place to be. On my second post-WSOP outing there, I ran into GARY THOMPSON — World Series of Poker media master and tournament overlord. He was wearing comfortable jeans, loafers, and a button-down shirt while playing 2/5 NLH. With about $800 in front of him, he said he was “down a couple hundred.” But it wouldn’t take long for him to grow his stacks, and a few hours later, he had moved up to the 5/10 game and had what looked to be about $2k.

On that same day, I saw A GUY I BUSTED at the Rio. He was a good player who went with the whole BLACK HOODIE and SUNGLASSES kinda thing, while saying almost nothing and acting with stoic (but angry) CHRIS FERGUSON-like motions. He was playing 1/2 NLH and nursing about $200.

Over at THE VENETIAN in the 2/5 game, I found myself up against a WSOP Dealer — SHAI the ISRAELI GUY. He was sick when I pushed all-in and convinced him to fold his top-pair-top-kicker that would turn into TOP BOAT … only to see the guy who took down the pot from me win with KING-HIGH. A couple hours later I was playing a goofy hand with K-6 offsuit in late position, the flop came K-7-K … he checks, I bet, he raises big, I call. Turn is a 6, he pushes all-in, I call … at which point he shows his POCKET 7s. The table cheers for a FOURTH SEVEN, but it doesn’t come and I send him to the ATM.

One table over, KARINA JETT’S MOTHER was playing — beyond her typical quiet game, she was practically falling asleep at the table (at 3 AM) while nursing about $400. She may not remember this, but she won a $15 PROP BET from me once over a RULES DISPUTE. (My bad … I thought I knew stuff.)

Back at RED ROCK a couple days later, I ran into ABRAHAM, and he really deserves his own post, because he tilted the table unlike anything I had ever seen — and even managed to invoke mockery from a cute young girl who wasn’t playing. Basically imagine the worst personality and poker characteristics of ME, TIM ROGERS and EON MARSHALL all wrapped up into an obnoxious kid who graduated from high school in 2003 and is well aware that he looks like STU UNGAR. Then give him a lot of chips. (His behavior and play was so table-altering it had me interrupting TOM SCHNEIDER’S vacation in ST. THOMAS for some emergency coaching … who advised me well until I played back without paying attention to a guy to my left who had pocket kings.)

I really wanted to KILL THIS KID, or at least make him cry. And so did everyone else — especially the old (presumably) gay man who he busted by calling a $260 raise pre-flop with 2-3 suited only to flop two threes. But he can’t be all that bad, because without provoking from me, he at one point shouted, “THE HAMMER!” with glee. Hey kid, if you are reading this, what I told you at the table after you “bluffed” me with pocket-5s and then taunted (it took me a good five minutes to lay down Ace-high) still applies: “I look forward to seeing you get your education.” Punk-ass. Like seriously, you had at least two of us at the table contemplating how one might go about rolling you in the parking lot.

One of the cool things about Red Rock is that when you need to shake off a bad beat or just step away from a dipshit the table to refocus, you can go BOWL A GAME 24 hours a day — for $3 +$3.50 for shoes. That seems like positive EV.

The picture above is from a day I didn’t actually play poker … but I did walk through the poker room just for funsies after bowling, and whom should I run into but NOLAN DALLA, longtime Dallas poker expat and WSOP media guru, legendary sports handicapper, and Stu Ungar biographer. He was wearing CARGO SHORTS, a frumpled shirt, and seemed pleasantly drinky while playing 5/10 NLH with a couple old friends from POKERSTARS.

“I’m stuck $800 but having a great time!” he screamed upon embracing me with a BEAR HUG. “Isn’t this a great casino!?! Hey everybody, it’s Dan from Pokerati!”

Murmur?

“Oh, right …” Nolan said. “Didn’t mean to blow your cover.”

I also ran into STEVE HALL one night at Red Rock, too. He was playing PENNY VIDEO SLOTS. He had a big hit of some sort of crazy picture combinations that won him about $60.

And then to top it all off, I went to CAESAR’S PALACE with DON JONES (of Rounder Club fame), LEIGH & BRIAN from the Poker Atlas , DOCTOR STEVE, and former Absolute Poker marketing chick JEN TIDWELL to play in their 50-player-max $65 tourney. We all had 10 percent of each other, which proved irrelevant as our top player would bubble.

I was the first to bust out (of the tournament) and would take a seat playing some 2/5. Of all the poker tables in Las Vegas … what are the chances that DAN BALLENGER (aka HONG KONG SUE, father of SON OF SUE) would get seated at my table? It would take more than a full orbit before he realized he was sitting with a fellow BATFACE. He bought in for $500 and cashed out a couple hours later for a little less than that. HKS got most of those chips from me … calling a $100 bluff with second-pair-no-kicker (what was I THINKING!?!) … and then bluffing me out of a $400+ pot on the river, getting me to lay down aces. He mucked at the time, but told me as he left that he pushed all-in for his remaining $135 with an underpair. Wish I hadn’t asked, because it had me semi-tilting for a good 30 minutes or more. I know he was just trying to be nice, but still …

Then JASON from JACKIE’S (in Dallas) and “RICKY ZILEM” showed up. They were just walking through checking out the action. Fancy running into these guys here. Chris/Ricky, said, “I did what nobody does when they first land in Vegas and took a nap.”

Ah, indeed.

Small world. Good times.

LAS VEGAS–Just looking at a little more thorough analysis of all my gambly activity over the past two months — including what went down before I began formal experimentation — and it’s pretty interesting, if not accurate. The numbers below represent a total of 144 hours with something at stake … spread across 56 various sessions. Still not exactly adequate sample sizes — but the numbers do give me an idea about the tables where I may or may not want to be spending my time:

Total Amount Won or Lost / hours played

2/5 NLH +$5,819 / 74.5
NLH Tourneys +$1,550 / 15
1 to 1000 +$190 / na
1/3 NLH +$134 / 8.5
4/8 OHL +$108 / 3
Lime Tossing +$80 / 0.5
——————————————
Bowling -$10 / 2
Video Poker -$190 / 2.5
Paigow -$220 / 0.5
1/2 NLH -$1,481 / 24
Blackjack -$2,169 / 13

Hourly Rate*

Lime Tossing: $160
NLH Tourneys: $103.67
2/5 NLH: $78.10
4/8 OHL: $36
1/3 NLH: $15.76
——————————————
Bowling: -$5
1/2 NLH: -$61.71
Video Poker: -$76
Blackjack: -$166.85
Paigow: -$440

*hourly rate not calculated for 1-to-1000, because everyone’s gotta eat/drink

Some other interesting related stats … based on 13 sessions, a typical 2/5 sitting nets me $448 … while 1/2, based on eight sessions, costs me about $185 each time I play. (I suspect most Dallas players can confirm this is in line with my their expectations every time I show up at a game.)

Blackjack … wow, might I actually remove this long-beloved pastime from my arsenal, considering I lose roughly $217 every time I get the itch to double down?

Clearly the moral of this story is that I need to be tossing more limes.