Here in London, I’ve been doing warm-up stretches for over a month just in case I’m called up to the Olympic poker team at the last minute. People keep telling me that poker isn’t in the Olympics, but I know they’re only testing my bluffing reflexes. I’ve got their number, let me tell you. Just for now, however, I’ve suspended my gruelling training regime in order to put together this collection of worldwide pokery news. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

Bwin United

Taking pride of place this week are my beloved Manchester United, who I have supported through thick and slightly less thick since I arbitrarily picked them as my team at the age of 7. They’ve sidled their way into the column by virtue of new shirt sponsor, Bwin. The Austrian half of Bwin.Party already have a big name sponsorship on their books, as the primary sponsors of Spanish giants Real Madrid. Although that contract expires at the end of the 12/13 season. Forbes recently rated United the world’s most valuable sports team, so it should generate Bwin, and online gambling in general, a lot of of exposure. [Online Casino Reports]

Norway’s Maiden Fair

For a few days we all held our breath, hoping that at least one of the two (extremely marketable) women would make it to the final table of the World Series of Poker. Alas, it wasn’t to be, but that hasn’t prevented 11th place finished Elizabeth Hille from reportedly picking up a sponsorship deal with Betfair. Hille is expected to join former champ Peter Eastgate and former WSOPE runner-up John Tabatabai on the Betfair squad. [WPT Magazine]

The Irish Omission

The details of new online gambling bills are always big news, but it’s what’s missing from proposed tax laws in Ireland that’s most interesting. The mooted legislation makes no mention of poker, which is particularly strange for a country that formerly cradled the headquarters of Full Tilt Poker in its Guinness soaked arms. [PokerNews]

‘Abandon hope all ye who enter here’

Disgruntled users have taken to the internet to report serious poker troubles at BetOnline. There have been frequent server outages and, most worryingly, players have been told that they will be unable to cash out any money before September at the earliest. [4Flush]

Meanwhile Poker 5050 are delisting themselves from the Swedish Stock Exchange after being dumped by software provider Microgaming. The company are on their way into liquidation, with a paltry 15% of player funds the best they can offer their shafted user-base. [Compatible Poker]

Party Poker Lower the Stakes

There are no more nosebleeds at Party Poker following the closure of their highest high-stakes tables. Party chiefs claims it has to do with improving their “poker ecology” which roughly translates as: Forcing the fish with big bankrolls to dump their cash at lower limit tables. [Card Player]

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to fine tune my soul-staring muscle in time for the opening ceremony. I’ll see you again next week when we call admire my shiny gold medal.

I’d like to start this week’s column by congratulating my fellow countryman James Dempsey on his victory at the WPT Five Diamond World Poker Classic. To celebrate, here is a patriotic picture.

British people are required to carry similar images on their person at all times. It’s why we’re such a cynical and self-deprecative nation. That concludes today’s sociology lecture, now it’s time for a barrel-full of news you might have missed.

Irish Up The Rake

Our friends on the Emerald Isle have been having a spot of bother with their economy recently. Something to do with a global recession. Regardless, the trickle down effect is increased taxes levied against online gambling. Inbound legislation will raise the money owed on each bet placed. Woe betide any external operators looking to take Irish currency. The duty on each offshore bets is increasing from 0 to 15% in a move that will earn the government €20 million a year. [Gambling Kingz]

Jacko’s Ball

There’s a new leader in the race for Most Ludicrous Idea Ever, thanks to gaming portal OnlineGamblingPal, who recently unveiled plans to turn some of the late Michael Jackson’s hair into a tasteful roulette ball. It’s what the king of pop would have wanted. Honestly, that’s what they think. A public statement claimed that creating a piece of casino paraphernalia, “seems like a fitting use for [the hair].” Right then. [Rolling Stone]

Randy’s Record

Online grinder nanonoko is already a legend among his peers, but the youthful poker whiz has announced plans to take his stardom to new heights by earning an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records. Randy hasn’t decided exactly which feat of endurance he’d like to attempt and is currently taking suggestions from the denizens of 2+2. The best idea will be carried out at the PokerStars Caribbean Adventure in January. [Poker News Daily]

A French Suit

One big downside to a tightly regulated gambling market is that when things go wrong, it’s the government that takes the hit. And there’s nothing people like more than blaming their government for stuff. Take one unnamed French gambling, addict for example. He contacted the Interior Ministry to have himself added to a list of people excluded from online gambling sites, but thanks to a bureaucratic mix-up, the degenerate in question found himself mysteriously unblocked. He is now suing his government for €100,000 ($133,000). [AFP]

What does a gambling addict buy with that kind of money? Maybe a roulette ball made from the fibres of a dead megastar? Perhaps he could build a whole museum of morbid casino equipment. Hey, that gives me an idea. I must dash, I’ve got a plan to make my millions crafting dealer buttons from Charlie Sheen’s discarded toenail clippings. Au revoir!

Online gambling is discovering allies in the strangest places, as Utah just announced their support of Barney Frank and online gambling regulation. Meanwhile, the New Hampshire lottery runs into problems with the UIGEA. Plus, why are Irish banks searching peoples bank accounts for online gaming transactions? Watch and see!

Clearly not that closely related.

Hmm, all this time I thought …

Padraig Harrington, brother not-the-brother of poker-great Dan Harrington, won the British Open yesterday at Royal Birkdale in Scotland. Congrats, distant-cousin (several times removed) to poker! That’s two-in-a-row at the British Open for Harrington — making him the first European to repeat in more than 100 years. Wow.

Meanwhile, a lot of people have finally read and are talking about the more pokery Harrington’s new(ish) back-to-back cash game books. Supposedly they’re great — that’s what everynone’s saying. I’m starting to wonder if one of the reasons I’m doing so poorly in golf tournaments these days isn’t because I’m one of the few players who hasn’t read his Iliad on tournament play yet.