So online poker is pretty dead, huh? It’s a late Saturday night/Sunday AM in Las Vegas, and we just need two more players to fill up the lone $1 sit-n-go on WSOP.com. There’s one player waiting on a $100 SNG, and I’m already down about $12 on the most active NLH and PLO cash tables.

Apparently everyone’s in New Jersey playing online slots.

Still, for $1 and a tepid desire to get back in some sort of action somewhere, I’m gonna pay to experience something close to what free players do that makes Caesars Interactive worth $4.4 billion.

UPDATE: Total bullshit. I was all-in with pocket 9s, aggro-dipbag re-raised, my computer was giving me the rainbow swirly, and his pocket Kings held up. 8th place out of 9.

Online poker is tough these days! I’ve got a ways to go, obv, before I can win $4.83 for first.

It’s been a while since Pokerati’s had anything to do with my personal bankroll. And I’m not sure that’s really a direction I wanna take this ship as we navigate new poker waters. But I suppose now’s as good a time as any to hold myself accountable, pokerwise, because even though “the dream” has long dissipated, I do still wanna someday be a winning player able to move up in stakes.

But look at my 2013 bankroll numbers, and ya know what I see? Losing player, LOL? Ha ha, no … Forget for a second that this chart belongs to me, personally, and how removing from my playbook the overcall with unsuited connectors in the small blind could be all that stands between me and two trips to Hawaii … forget all that … because what I think you’re really seeing here is the profile of a so-called recreational poker player:

Recreational players are supposedly all the buzz these days … but do serious players and an industry intent on courting them even understand what that really means? A quick study of the above and you can probably see why I stand in solidarity with McDonald’s workers … but beyond that, we’re looking at a poker life that means about 11 hours a month in casinos, a few tournaments (nothing to brag about, but I did take down a Stratosphere nightly), some casual prop bets, a penchant for at least one house-edge table game … all tallying up to a net negative akin to what it might cost if I were playing similarly recreational tennis or golf or fishing.

Hmm, I suppose that’s psychologically why I’m able to keep coming back for more … because sure I can see the numbers, but also I know I can do better, and maybe next time I will get less unlucky.

I had plans for my first post of 2012 to write about my new year’s resolution, which was to find more purpose in what I’m doing for a living … quite the challenge when your work day consists of picking out tourists to relieve of their vacation cash so you can pay your bills for another month.

Crushed, beaten, annihilated, squelched, wrecked … you feel helpless and empty and start questioning what you’re doing with your life and why you’re wasting so much money.

A new year is supposed to be a time when everyone is feeling the most hopeful and positive and have the brightest outlook on what the next 12 months may hold. I try to put a positive spin on everything and especially the things I write on twitter and in this blog with an audience in mind. I’m sure there are some people who take joy in other people’s down times because it makes them feel better about their own situation. But I just think it’s a better EV play to try and inspire people rather than give them something to wallow in.

I wish I could follow my own advice, but today I don’t see how.

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Sometime during this year I decided I wanted to add more tournaments to my poker diet.  I’ve been a cash game grinder for my entire poker-playing career and don’t really have anything to speak of in regards to big tourney scores.  My “official” tourney resume is pretty weak.  That being said, I think every high-volume tournament pro wishes they crushed at cash games, and I think that every cash game grinder wants that feeling that only a tournament victory can bring: the combination of the big pay day combined with being the last man or woman standing at the end of the day (or day 2, 3, 4, what have you).  It very well could be my ego projecting my perceived thoughts onto the rest of the poker-playing community, but why would you not want to be well rounded in your profession and have multiple skill sets?

I’ve torched a lot of money being irresponsible … Vegas definitely has a way of seeping into any crack in your guard wall and blowing it wide open.

If you think that low stakes live poker games tend to be pretty soft, you should check out some of the tournament series that are running this month and next around Vegas.  You’ll see things that will make your head shake and leave you feeling good about the future of poker and its draw to the casual players.  However, these are tournaments we’re talking about, which means you’re a bit handcuffed in regards to how much manipulation of tourists you’ll be able to partake in compared to the cash games.  The structures for a lot of the events are pretty good, but variance is still a bitch.  I won’t go into detail about some of the ridiculous beats I’ve taken over the past week to send me on a walk of shame toward valet.  I’m gonna keep plugging away though with a healthy mix of the series, and cash games when there isn’t an event to my liking.

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I just got back from my first live poker session in I don’t know how long… almost two months I think. I took an extended hiatus from the game for a couple of reasons; a) my dad was in town for a while and we went sightseeing here in Vegas and in Los Angeles; and, more important, b) my finances just weren’t where they needed to be.

(The shorter version of that story is “I went broke.”)

I was making too many mistakes away from the felt and living a lifestyle that just wasn’t sustainable on my “salary”. I definitely wasn’t going super crazy or ballin’ out of control by any means. But similar to the way a small preflop error can compound on itself and become a large, costly session-killer, smaller mistakes away from the tables can quickly add up and drain a poker player’s bankroll. This shouldn’t be news to any poker player, but when you live in a city like Las Vegas and you like being social and experiencing what the city and life itself has to offer, you have to constantly check yourself.

I look down at 6s7s for my first live hand in two months. Forget that I’m in early position, I can’t help it… the suited connectedness was overpoweringly sexy.

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I won my seat early … and since then I’ve been watching the field grow for Epic Poker’s inaugural $1,500 pro-am at the Palms, Pokerati’s regular low-stakes NLH/PLO home.

With @Donkeybomber so far my toughest potential competition … well, let’s just say I’m starting to get excited about the actual poker at hand in early August. And though TV exposure had nothing to do with my initial interest … that’s apparently now part of it, with Epic’s recently acquired sister company, the Heartland Poker Tour, coming to Vegas to film the tournament for syndicated distribution on its nationwide network of local TV stations, some of which are actually in HD.

(Yay!)

That might seem a little minor-league for the more-pro, less-am players in Vegas … but hey, this $1,500 event will be my second-biggest tournament to play in ever — so HPT coverage seems just about right for me and Tom Schneider at this point in my pro career. Having won my way into the August 5-7 tournament, I’ve clearly got game that’s ready for UHF.

Satellites running at 7pm on Saturday and Sunday in the Key West Room at the Palms.

A lot of people have been wondering where I’ve been this WSOP. I’m ready to admit it — I suffer from an addiction … one that snuck up on me when I least expected, but I can no longer deny. I’m addicted to Zynga Poker. I’m at level 43.

Seriously, not lying when I say I’ve played virtually EVERY DAY of this Series, probably not going longer than 36 hours without logging on — at least to redeem a gift that expires in 1 hour. I’m too embarrassed to be seen playing at the Rio, which is why I stay home … But still, when I am playing, I can’t help but think about the World Series of Poker going on just down the road, on Twitter, on Facebook, on iPhones, via livestream … not to mention the personal text messages and deluge of PR emails … pretty much anywhere with wifi there is Zynga — er, I mean WSOP. To play Zynga you only need 3G.

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I spent the first part of today chilling at my place for a few hours, getting in a light workout then writing a couple emails. Then I made my way to the VW dealership. I drive a 2010 Jetta that I’m a pretty big fan of and it was time for my free 10k mileage maintenance and car wash. Before this car, I drove the 2007 version. Two days before my lease was up on that car, it got totaled when a drunk driver blew a red light in West Hollywood where my girlfriend and I were for the weekend.  Neither of us were hurt, thankfully.  He took off after we smashed into him, but he couldn’t get very far with the condition his car was in. A good samaritan followed him and was able to let the police know where they could find him. I had my car towed to a VW dealership and was like, “My lease is up… here’s your car back!” Then I leased a brand new model that same day.

I picked up KK in the first orbit of NL in late position, raised and picked up the blinds …

While at the dealership today I read through 944 magazine a bit.  If you happen to live in a city that 944 covers, and you like going out, doing stuff and checking out new things in your city, I highly recommend picking up a copy. I also highly recommend they pay me for this advertising I’m giving them but that’s probably not going to happen. There are always so many things changing in the city of Las Vegas–new restaurants, DJ appearances/residencies, happy hours, special events–that it is nearly impossible to keep up.  It’s fun to try though, and it’s obviously tough to get bored here.

After VW, it was that time: 7pm on a Thursday, which means Pokerati 1/2 PLO/NLH at the Palms.  When I got there around 8 there was a full game up and running and Danielle was already on the waiting list.  It took about 15 minutes before we had enough people to start a second table.  Pretty impressive, I must say, but not entirely surprising.  The half-and-half nature of the game is just so much more interesting and entertaining in my opinion, that I think you’ll eventually see it spread elsewhere more regularly.  This coupled with the fact that the WSOP is in full swing means there’s no shortage of players around.

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Those following @Pokerati may recall an unusual situation I faced in a 1/2 game at the Golden Nugget last weekend — when this guy, “The Duke”, bought in for $100,000 … which he pulled from purple velvet Crown Royal baggies stuffed in a tattered violin case.

I had been trying to place him … was he related to the suit-wearing longhair we media types know as “the devil” (whom I had once sent into a tirade by stacking him at the Golden Nugget). No, no, not related (fingers crossed) … maybe he’s a performer in one a show around town? That would explain why he was playing in this game, but not why he would have $100k in cash (including some in out-of-circulation $500 and $1,000 bills). His business card says “Have Gun, Will Travel”, and lists his title as “Soldier of Fortune”.

Anyhow, it just hit me where I had seen him before, or at least why he looked so familiar. I was playing against not a real hitman, but quasi-legendary humorist Alibaster K. Abthernabther!

In the end, I’d get only about .009 percent of his stack, despite seeing AA, KK, KK, AK, and 77 twice (and flopping two sets) in our first three orbits … and then having him request a seat change and moving directly to my right. Turns out Mr. 50,000 Big Blinds was a ridiculously tight player … saw him (correctly) lay down a set of 4s to a $10 bet into a $25 pot, and chop the only all-in he faced with AKs vs. AKs.

I guess he liked to just sit there in front of money he knew he wasn’t going to lose?

I’m headed out to play a little cash action … gonna go check out the Hard Rock — where the poker ops there have apparently taken a lesson from the Vegas nightclubs and have started to “own one night.”

They’re calling it Trash Talk Tuesdays, and indeed, have heard a teensy little buzz about it around town. Follow me on twitter for updates. My plan is to play tight and not get caught up in twittering.

As you can tell, this will be a big game for me — essentially $2/$5/$10 NLH that I hear grows even bigger as the night goes on. I’m a little nervous — am pretty sure it’s poor game selection to risk a third of your bankroll in a potentially wild, unfamiliar game playing at higher stakes than you’re used to. But sheesh, they’ve even got a bonus for playing the hammer! Go Dream Team money …

From Hard Rock Poker Lounge:

Trash Talk Tuesdays
Bad Sportsmanship Encouraged – ornery dealers, slow rollers & grown men crying…
Buy-in: $300-$3000
Mandatory “Hard Rock Straddle” on the button
Blinds: $2-$5
Seven Deuce Bounty

Warning: If you’re a whiny little baby who can’t take a joke about ginormously fat and disgusting your mother is, then this event is not for you. So stop reading this and MOVE ON!

More about this game from 2+2 here and Doc W (who took the picture from that game above) here.

UPDATE: You can see my results on twitter … but in a nutshell, this game plays WAAY bigger than 2/5 or even 5/10. Got my ass handed to me (twice) before dropping down to “Wacky 1-2” … which is essentially the same game with 1/2 blinds and a forced $4 straddle.

Team Tao of Pokerati 2: Lana, Pauly, Dan.

It was a triumph for me individually — I’ve made the money with an about-average stack, and made my first Day 2 ever in any tournament. (Stop laughing.) But from a team perspective … that’s where the real money is, and Team Tao of Pokerati (Dan, Pauly, Lana) is the only team with more than one player remaining. (Pauly, Dan.)

We’re guaranteed a 5th place team finish, and would have to really screw up to not get at least 4th. We need a 15th and 14th place finish individually (or better) to win it outright.

Click below to see the full Nolan-esque official report.

DREAM TEAM POKER WSOP EVENT DAY 1 REPORT
2009 World Series of Poker
Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
Official Report
No-Limit Hold’em / Dream Team Poker Structure
Buy-in: $500 +60 per person / $1680 per team

Number of players: 366
Number of Teams: 122
Players Remaining: 27
Teams Remaining: 26

Total Net Prize Pool: $177,510
Top Payout Individual: $16,473
Top Payout Team: $33,017

Places Paid Individual: 36
Places Paid Team: 10

July 12-13, 2009

Tournament Highlights

Ø The Dream Team Poker Tournament started with 122 teams and 366 players. Play ended with 27 players remaining representing 26 teams.

Ø One team, Tao of Pokerati, has 2 players remaining and is the favorite to take the top team prize of $33,017 to split between the three team members

Ø There were 59 women entered into the tournament, comprising more than 16% of the entire field.

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Tom Dwan doesn’t slowroll, and you shouldn’t either.

My latest Bluff column is now up online … in this episode I call out the Scandis for potentially causing a violent international incident:

Without a doubt, for low stakes players MGM cash games can be a test of nerves…. Little did I know it would be a test of my sanity, not to mention my criminal intent.

The villain in this story is a slowroller, so I’m sure most will understand. Before the night was over he had an entire table plotting revenge. The plan was to gang-tackle him in an elevator, beat him senseless, take his money, then beat him some more, and then, just to let him know we weren’t really crooks, roll up the cash and wedge it in his facial orifices. Or at least that’s what one of us was thinking… that’ll teach him proper etiquette!

I hadn’t played at the Wynn in nearly a year … but did so last night, and much to my delight they got rid of their confusing $3 chips in the $1/$3 NL game. They now use the more standard $1 and $5 denominations.

Not sure when the change happened — presumably in 2008 — but I’ll be staying there for the next couple days, and not having to brush up on my base-3 mathematics makes the game that much more enjoyable.

(Played last night there for 2.5 hours … buy-in: $200, cash out: $268. Not bad, but I left a couple orbits too late, as my stacks were over $500 when I got that leaving feeling.)

During the big blogger get-together earlier this month, one of my most mind-tickling new friends I made was Human Head. He’s a great writer, a cosmological thinker, and has a really big head … as in physically, not egotistically. (No offense, Sang, you’re #2.)

Anyhow, as HH writes up his trip report, he spends a fair amount of digital ink discussing my atrocious bustout hand against my most kidney-jabbing new pal, PKPNF. Argh, for nearly five years now I’ve been trying to build up an “image” as a weak-aggressive player … setting myself up for a bigger, long-term win. But considering I have hardly made it past a break in a blogger tourney, I’m not sure that’s going so well for me. In Human Head’s (accurate) analysis … my play that day was clearly inspired by this.

From the guy against whom I played my worst hand of December (and a Top 5 finalist for 2008):

[via Pauly]