Wow, what a week it’s been. All of those events that happened! Do you remember the one with the things? What about the person who was doing all that behaviour? Oh, the stories we will tell our grandchildren.

That’s the kind of introduction I’d love to have written, but in reality it’s been a humble week for poker news. To jazz things up, pretend that Daniel Negreanu is preparing a vblog tirade in response to each story.

PokerStars Launch UK App

First up we have PokerStars revealing their evil scheme to greatly increase neck damage among their customers by forcing them to stare down at their newly released mobile app. The software, which supports real money multi-tabling, allows the hordes of pasty-faced grinders to get some sunshine without having to abandon the felt. They could market it as a Vitamin D supplement. [Poker News Report]

Spanish Bullfight

It’s Spain vs. Spain vs. Everyone on the Iberian Peninsula. The Spanish government are so excited about getting their regulated online gambling market up and running they have moved the deadline for license applications forward to March 31st. Not everyone is totally thrilled about the idea, however. Most of the big names have been operating offshore in Spain for years and local operators Codere are very grumpy about it. They’ve started firing out injunctions towards all the sites that were trading in Spain before the new legislation passed. So far they’ve forced Sportingbet to pay €2 million and have been rebuffed in their attempts to stifle PokerStars. [CardPlayer] & [Casino Advisor]

Serbia Plays Hardball

Meanwhile, in Serbia, similar legislative tussles are taking place, but the government have decided to handle all the tussling themselves. The Balkan state passed new online gambling legislation in November requiring licenses, taxes, regulations, and all that good stuff. With a number of big gaming companies yet to sign up to the new system, the government have issued an ultimatum to those who remain off-shore. Names on the list include 888, bwin.party, and Ladbrokes. The choice is simple: sign up for a license in the next six months or get your ISP banned. [Balkans.com]

PokerStars Love EU

Start as you mean to finish. That’s terrible advice, but whatever, it’s back to PokerStars to conclude this week’s roundup. The poker giants did a good job buttering up the Europeans this week with the release of PokerStars.eu. This new front-end for what is essentially the same old service does have a few implications for tax laws in certain countries. Right now, poker players in Sweden and Finland have to pay 50% tax on their winnings from offshore operators. PokerStars.eu is licensed in Malta – a member of the EU which does not charge any taxes on gambling – saving Nordic degenerates a whole heap of cash. Hyvää onnea! [Poker News]

If that snapshot of worldwide poker news wasn’t enough for you, why don’t you stop complaining and do something about it? Go and win a tournament or moon Gus Hansen or something. Off with you.