Imagine my shock last week as I watched the Oscars and saw that Timothee Chalamet is dating one of the greatest minds in poker. That’s right, sitting next to Timo all night in the front row was Kylie Jenner, who made me wonder whether this was the Oscars or the Globes.
You probably think I’m being sarcastic or even sexist, saying that Kylie has one of the greatest minds in poker, but as a true believer in the mind-body connection, I assure you that I‘m sincere.
In case you haven’t embedded yourself in the subculture of poker like some kind of Punter S. Thompson, allow me to recap: Just a few days before the Oscars, one of the most glamorous nights of the year in Hollywood, second only to the first night of Passover, Kylie Jenner posted a video tutorial on how to play and win No Limit Hold’em.
Under the auspices of poker authority Vanity Fair, Kylie told her 500,000,000 followers, and subsequently everyone on poker Twitter, that the goal of No Limit Hold’em is to make the best five-card hand from your two hole cards and the five on the board, and if that doesn’t work, distract the other players by wearing a bra as a shirt.
She then listed what she referred to as the ten possible ways to win, comprised of the traditional hand rankings from high card to royal flush.
Never mind that a royal flush is simply the best possible straight flush and doesn’t deserve its own hand ranking any more than an unsuited AKQJ10 should be called a Royal Straight and listed as better than a straight. It’s simply the best possible straight.
Okay, I get it. If anyone ever made an ace-high straight flush, it would be fun to say, “I have a Royal Flush,” but you can say that just like you say, “I have Broadway” when you make the aforementioned top straight. Both hands are the best in their category, not a category unto themselves.
If you think I’m going to blame Kylie for this breach of logic, you would be wrong, as it’s been committed by everyone in poker history from Hoyle to Doyle.
When you open a deck of playing cards, one of the extra cards lists the hand rankings in poker and shows that a Royal Flush beats a Straight Flush. Duh!
Does this annoy anyone else? Or am I the annoyance?
I’m just saying that if we apply the non-logic of false categories, chaos awaits. For example, the best possible full house is aces full of kings. Does this biggest boat need a special designation, too?
How about calling it the Titanic, so it makes sense when it crashes into the icebergs of four of a kind, a straight flush, or an even higher ranking hand, the Royal Flush.
Okay, I have really paddled off into the weeds, and my boat is taking on water. To paraphrase Snoop Dogg, back to the lecture on hands…
After summarizing the ten ways to win, Kylie added that you can also win by simply pretending to have the best hand. While she omits the crucial fact that this pretending is done by putting money in the pot, aka bluffing, she is basically correct.
I can’t fault her poker strategy. It is simple and to the point, and as I prepare to travel to the Irish Open in search of poker glory, I am going to take note.
I’ve learned a lot from poker instruction, from reading Harrington on Hold’em Vol. 1, 2, and 3 back in the day, to enrolling in the excellent online classes of Faraz Jaka and Jonathan Little.
I could tell you all about hand ranges, pot odds, blockers, and the different strategies for early in a tournament, on the bubble, and at the final table, just to name a few things.
In fact, I could talk about this stuff until you call the clock, but I haven’t really been able to put what I’ve learned into practice. When I’m at the table, my strategy is primarily focused on my hand, and I’d be a damn liar if I said otherwise.
I simply haven’t been able to integrate my studies into my game.
But armed with Kylie’s Ten Ways to Win, plus pretending, I think I just might have a shot. And, with her giant following, I imagine many new players have been attracted to the game, dramatically lowering the odds that I’ll be the worst player at the table.
As further testament to her savviness as a player/coach, Kylie didn’t reveal all her secrets. She left out one additional way to win: be born Timothee Chalamet.
Have a great week!
