One site that didn’t even make it as a write-in contender, but I clearly have been enjoying since recently discovering it: Melted Felt.

Basically The Onion of Poker. Some recent hedlines:

Iran Introduces Hanging for Slowrollers
PPA Upbeat on Donations as HR 5767 Defeated
WSOP Chaos as Gus Hansen’s Ears Run Amok!

There’re certain truths to their fake poker news that makes the limeys behind Melted Felt, imho, worth the RSS-subscribe.

Tom, at the WPT World Poker Challenge in Reno …

Photo: World Poker Tour

Shirt says:

Doh!
Nuts!
Mmm, Donuts …

Phil Hellmuth may be able to stare into people’s souls, but Superman has heat vision:

Jason in Tennessee writes in:

Is it just me, or is this the longest Pokerati.com has gone in quite some time without a post? Shit, even I’ve posted every day this week, and I’m a slack motherfucker.

JK

I’ve always thought the Unknown Comic would do great at a poker table.

Hilarious Pair Appearing in Concert October 12

COACHELLA, Calif., Aug. 15 /PRNewswire/ — Fall down laughing this October when TV comedy idols Gabe Kaplan and Murray “The Unknown Comic” Langston turn the Spotlight Showroom on its ear! Appearing as part of AllStar Poker Weekend, Kaplan and Langston are performing their hilarious actson Friday, October 12. The concert is part of Spotlight 29 Casino’s All-Star Poker Weekend,where Kaplan and Langston will be playing alongside UFC Champion KenShamrock, Football Hall of Fame inductee Deacon Jones, sports legend Bo Jackson, and lightweight boxing champ Jorge Paez, Jr. in the All-Star PokerChallenge on October 13 and 14.

More…

For those of you who have be reading the whole tournament tipping vs not tipping controversary, let’s take a moment to check out this dealer. I call him the Elvis dealer as the Pokernews photo obviously explains.

I’m not sure if this is the same Elvis that gave me away at my wedding ten years ago but they do have the same hair. All Elvis look alike anyway.

A few quotes from walking around the tables well into the late hours.

(An annoying, brash internet player is debating making a large call against an all-in)

Annoying Player: Cmon, what do you want me to do? Tell you what, I’ll do whatever you want me to.
All-in player: You will?
Annoying Player: Yeah, what do you want me to do?
All-in player: …Bust.

***

(Player makes a big fold)

Player 1: I wanted to call. You all know what I had.
Player 2: Oh, you had aces?
Player 1: (Hesitates) I can’t tell you, I’d be giving out too much info.
Player 2: Oh that’s okay, I’m a horrible player, it wouldn’t do me any good.

Awesome must-read story that gives some behind-the-scenes insight into how a casino really works.

“We’ve got a system,” Brant said. “Our strategy is to bet against all the customers who come in here. Then we spread our bets around to each and every table and machine in the casino and keep at it for the long haul. We were down about $200 at one of the roulette tables, but were up on everything else, so we came out pretty much ahead. Actually, more than half a million ahead.”

I wonder if The Onion has been credentialed to cover the WSOP.

= +

Recently in an undisclosed location, the most powerful men in the world sat down for a game of the ultimate stakes… Your souls.

Meanwhile, listen to how this lady plays the Hammer (hint: aggressively) against her son.

You tell me … do you think she’s bluffing?

Click here to hear. (Probably NSFW, FYI.)

ALT HED: The Hammer 911

Leave it to Otis to take things to the next level … over at Up for Poker, he’s come up with his own poker-team SWAT hand signals, and even provides a blank edition for your own non-worky fun:

My suggestion (for the bottom right corner): “OK, one more orbit. But after that, I swear, we’re going.”

Online poker is kinda-sorta illegal now. Pokerati wanted to know America’s thoughts … so we asked the question, How has the new law affected you?

Jennifer Cortez
Account executive

“I think it’s just wonderful. My boyfriend played that PartyPoker like all the time. But now we will be able to see the latest Jennifer Aniston movie, and we can take more walks while holding hands. Do you know how many baby showers we’ve missed because Christopher was ‘near the bubble’?”

Ghassan Abdulhamid Bibi
Starbuck’s employee

“This is total bullshit! I have been playing AQpoker.com step tournaments for two years in an effort to qualify for the WSOP and help Al Qaeda make enough money to purchase nuclear weapons from North Korea. The plan to sneak them through America’s weak ports was almost ready to go, but now we have been foiled again. Damn you George Bush! Allah Akbar al-Poker!”

Maurice Nelson
Quadriplegic

“The new law is clearly discriminatory and violates my rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act. It’s hard to play in a casino when you can’t use your arms.”

Mrs. Michalski
Occasional Pokerati reader

“Dan, I know you’re upset, hon, but try to see the bright side. I think this will be really good for you, because from what I’ve read on the internet, you almost always lose. Will you be coming over for Thanksgiving?”

“Choad”
Official ferret of Kappa Alpha, University of Arkansas

“Uh, poker what? I have no idea. Why are you asking me? I am frickin’ ferret. Look, over there, socks!”

Jeffrey Schmollack
Fake WSOP Commissioner

“Off the record? We’re talking off the record? OK, dude, let me tell you, this is so awesome. I mean AWEsome! We didn’t have a fucking clue how we were ever going to handle 12,000 people. And let me tell you something else … those online sites … they made a lot of money. Like billions, man. Give us two years and you’ll see, with soft money greasing the right pockets and the Brits out of the equation, it can all belong to Harrah’s. Why do you think we want that WSOP.com website so bad?”