Clearly not that closely related.

Hmm, all this time I thought …

Padraig Harrington, brother not-the-brother of poker-great Dan Harrington, won the British Open yesterday at Royal Birkdale in Scotland. Congrats, distant-cousin (several times removed) to poker! That’s two-in-a-row at the British Open for Harrington — making him the first European to repeat in more than 100 years. Wow.

Meanwhile, a lot of people have finally read and are talking about the more pokery Harrington’s new(ish) back-to-back cash game books. Supposedly they’re great — that’s what everynone’s saying. I’m starting to wonder if one of the reasons I’m doing so poorly in golf tournaments these days isn’t because I’m one of the few players who hasn’t read his Iliad on tournament play yet.

This weekend wasn’t about life-changing money so much as it was about life-easing money for those who went super-deep (top 1 percent), but not deep-deep-deep in the main event: Margo Outhred reading David Sedaris’ latest (When You Are Engulfed in Flames) while awaiting important updates via text from her husband Alex. Though supposedly tournament poker is all about going for the win, there were points when he got short-stacked that she became very interested in the payout levels, and would rush back into the Amazon Room to let him know what they stood to gain if he could hold on for X spots longer.

63rd-55th place paid $115,800

WSOP Academy instructor Alex Outhred finished in 54th(-46th) for $135,100 — a small but noticeable victory on his way out of the 2008 WSOP main event.

Dan and Pauly discuss getting over the WSOP hump, and what kind of pressures build on players, backers, media, and just about anyone else who camps out for the duration — providing a glimpse of what weekend WSOP warriors may be stepping into when they fly in for a $1,500 “Donkament”. (Hi Karridy!)

And a special bonus track this week, with Tao of Pokerati’s favorite Angry Frenchman expounding on the caliber of competition in the 1500s while educating Dan and Pauly on life and language at the non-English-only tables.

Episode 12: Going Halfsies

Episode 12.5: Le Donk (feat. Benjo)

Funny … I’m sitting on the little porch off my bedroom in Slight Southwest Vegas, facing the Rio actually … Luxor beam at about 1 o’clock. It’s a beautiful night — cool ’70s and still. I know it’s only Day 1, and guys like Pauly and Cali Jen’s roommate Aaron are still there, catching the end of opening day to see who’ll be fighting for the money tomorrow in the $10k Pot-Limit Hold’em World Championship of the Planet in the Empire. I’ll bet there are some names we recognize and some we don’t.

Anyhow — it’s so nice outside, and instead of chips clicking I hear crickets chirping, so I figured I’d catch up on emails (mine was down all day), comment on some blogs, etc. … and the guy two houses down just pulled into his driveway aggressively, and got out of the car talking on the phone. Apparently he’s a poker player, and just got back from some tournament: “I finished 2nd,” he’s saying, “yeah, I pushed with pocket 10s. He thought about it for a long time and at that point I was ready to race, but he called and had pocket jacks.”

He’s still outside talking … “No, I’m not trying to be gay but your feet are so cute in those … It’s so funny because … uh-huh … I enjoy it … I absolutely love that, and you wouldn’t have to worry … no … uh-huh … yeah, it’s so funny because I wasn’t even looking for it … Right, everybody’s different, and I got so fucking excited … I do everything I can for you … right, pocket jacks.”

UPDATE: “You’re so fucking hot. You’re an absolute knockout … no, totally sober … and you’re short, which I love.”

They’re into the money in the $25k WPT World Championship Event. Every remaining player is guaranteed $39,570 (a $14.5k payday) while they compete for the $3.4 million first prize.

As of this moment, there are 85 players left — Anna Wroblewski just went out … she was looking strong all tourney long. Our best friend Tom Schneider is still alive with a slightly above average stack. (Notice he’s our best friend as opposed to just a friend or Pokerati contributor now that he’s secured the money. If he can make the final table, he’ll be our super-best-very-best friend … and I’m sure that’s what’s motivating him.)

Other names of note (to me) that are still live include Carlos Mortenson (defending champ), Rhynie Campbell (met him last night, he seems funny and cool), Mark Seif (who’s been keeping people posted about the condition of his wife’s cervix), Isabelle Mercier and Kristy Gazes (attractive women), Jared Hamby (Go Texas!), Tommy Le (one of my MySpace friends with a really cool name), Steve and Danny Wong (Go 2007 Fantasy Team!), and TJ Cloutier (Go same Dallas flight!)

Just a reminder … good poker fun this Saturday in Dallas, at Eddie Deen’s Ranch, benefiting Bea’s Kids — a 501(c)3 providing educational opportunities for poor children and their families. Buy-ins are $100 — $125 at the door — with cool donated prizes going to winners …

Pokerati will be there, and if you enjoy competing for toys in a non-raffle charity poker format — big props to Bea’s Kids and Eddie Deen’s for not going the weenie raffle route! — you should be, too.

UPDATE: Top prize is a super-phat 52-inch HDTV. Nice. On behalf of helping children, I would really really like to play my best poker.

Pettigrew Poker-not-dot-com, via cellphone-cam.

Before leaving Dallas, I traveled to West Fort Worth for the unveiling of a fancy new poker room — at the home of Good Chuck, one of the many good poker friends I’ve corrupted and left behind made in recent years. His family members had bought him a sparkling new handcrafted custom table, personalized casino chips, Kem cards … the whole luxury poker shebang … and to break it all in, the Pettigrew clan got together on the night before Christmas Eve for some tasty Texas barbecue and an inaugural $10+0 no-limit hold’em tourney. (Pokerati got exclusive coverage rights.)

It was a 14-player field comprised of serious amateurs and recreational kinfolk alike — with 4,000 starting chips, 15-minute levels, and a skill-friendly blind structure — enjoying good fun, intense competition, and some sibling rivalry to boot. For me, it was a chance to play with a cool new Kem color scheme and a salient reminder about the importance of the “little people” who make for good fleecing this game special.

More…

I recently received a thoughtful email from a young guy who has great interest in playing poker for a living or finding a good job or possibly doing both. He has asked for my advice regarding various topics of passion and career. I thought that my response might be helpful to others figuring out where poker fits in their lives, and Pokerati readers might be able to provide genius insight or alternate feedback.

Here are some excerpts from what he sent, and my honest opinions:

My name is Ralph, and I am a very big fan of your book. I am an avid poker player who is hoping to become a professional in the distant future. I just wanted to commend you on authoring such a simple, yet brilliant book. It has reemphasized so much of the values that have already been instilled in my life, yet has reminded me so much of the important things that I have forgotten along the way. I just couldn’t put the book down.

Right away, you can tell that this young man has wonderful taste, and no, this is not a fictitious caller on Beyond the Table.

I was hoping you could pass along some winning wisdom to me if you had the time. I am 26 years old and graduated from college with a BA in Communications in January 2007. I have been unemployed during this time with the exception that I have been working part time for the past 7 years. I’m really struggling to find my place in the “real world” being that I don’t consider myself too business savvy, or intellectually smart.

More…

FYI, another episode is up … for those of you who haven’t yet subscribed or synced your iPods. In this episode, our favorite non-bracelet-wearing cruiser-stakes pro sits in for Tom.

[display_podcast]

• Robert G drinks the BTT Kool-Aid.
• WSOP scheduling, the Houston poker bust and felony charges, an Illinois amateur poker crackdown, Charles Nesson as the Timothy O’Leary of Poker.
• Gratuitous pimping: Up for Poker and the PokerStars Blogger Championship.
• Action junkies and Karridy’s online sit-n-go multitabling master plan — big screens and upside-down calculator words.
• Tom goes to Spain in search of plaques and CardPlayer points.
• Karridy hits the Stockyards in search of family values and professional online poker dreams.
• The Fort Worth police vs. Beyond the Table.
• Dan tries to take credit for bringing the Mob into Texas poker.

LAS VEGAS–Josh Evans crossed over … he’s got about 420k. So did Vandy Krouch, also with about 420k. Both guys are guaranteed more than $20,000 … and have a shot at $8.25 million.

There were some other North Texas players I saw on the official roster for today — but not sure of their stati.

Also not sure about Jerry Randack. He was relatively short stacked going into today, and I didn’t see him on first perusal of the remaining 60something tables. (Jerry’s a hard guy to miss.) So it looks grim as to whether or not he survived atmospheric re-entry, but we’re not ready to write him off as dead, yet.

UPDATE: Jerry is dead. I mean not like Eskimo Clark dead or Lady Bird Johnson deceased (God Bless Texas). But the 2007 Pokerati Invitational runner-up is out, finishing just shy of the money. Nice-ish go, Jerry!

Huck Seed, by the way, is near the chip lead — and I’m rooting against him. I dropped him from my fantasy team just two weeks ago — for virtually no reason other than to make room for Danny Wong, who I haven’t even seen at the WSOP. Would hate to see Seed get paid off for my poor fantasy play.

UPDATE: Vandy is out. From one of his friend’s in Dallas:

vandy got popped in 474, set of 6’s and the guy hit his set of Q’s on the turn. That started the popping…anyway very exciting.

Congratulations, Krouch! Way to do North Texas poker proud … and I am sure there are a few folks who are more than happy to see you with an extra $29,883 in your bankroll.

LAS VEGAS–Its no secret Las Vegas has a dirty reputation and I’m not referring to the sand. With strip clubs outnumbering Starbucks, hooker bars in every casino and flyers of women available on every street corner (AKA more hookers) it would only make sense that one of the finest hotels of the Strip would promote your baby girl to start early.

Fulfilling my Vegas tradition of pistachio gelato, I was surprised to see the young female mannequins on a stripper pole. I mean, I know they are “in” but for six year olds? Not sure how Andrew McCarthy would feel about these mannequin tykes but I think they are a bit too young.

LAS VEGAS–It’s been a crazy up-and-down day for the Donkey Bomber in $1,000 7-Stud Hi Lo. He’s come back from almost nothing at least three times, and briefly assumed the chip lead. I was thinking at that point he should basically sit on his chips for a while. But what do I know about this game? He told his daughter at dinner break that this was when he really needed to put the pressure on.

With 13 players left — 8 make the final table — Tom is the shortest stack with 34,000. Scotty Nguyen is second in chips with 150k. Tony Ma is 10th with 70,000. Tommy Hang, a highly respected player in high-stakes mixed action, is to Tom’s right, while a goofy guy who appears to be a total 7-stud donkey is to his right … with a ton of chips and a plastic riding crop thingy that is amusing Scotty Nguyen — “High five [for spanking]!” Scotty said. Seven-stud Hi Lo bracelet winner Pat Poels explained to me on the rail that position probably matters less in this game than any other, save for maybe Chinese poker.

Click here to see if he can hang in there.

UPDATE: 11 players remaining. Tom has 42k in chips.

UPDATE: Down to 9 players. Scotty Nguyen says, “That’s right baby! Spanky Spanky!” as the 7-stud doofus (he’s jogging around the table right now muttering “wubbawubbawubba”) smacks his plastic spanker on the table.

Tourney officials are going to move a player every 20 minutes to keep the 5-and-4 disparity “even.” Tom is at 78,000 now.

UPDATE: Ming Ly is one of about two dozen people sweating the action on the rail. Scotty Nguyen is more than a little drinky, and ordering beers for the table. Tom obliged, and thanked him as he tried to tip the waiter. “No no! I already tip him. Ten dollars. When I say I take care of it I take care of it.”

“You’re trying to get me drunk,” Tom joked upon taking a big swig, “so you can take advantage of me.”

UPDATE: Tom and Scotty’s table now has five players, instead of four, and Tom and Scotty are the ones drinking. Hang, meanwhile has said no more. “I’m happy to have another Bud [Milwaukee's Best] Light,” says Tom, “But I’m having a bathroom issue.”

Now Tom’s being moved to the other table, at which point Scotty says, “See you tomorrow, baby.”

UPDATE: One hand passes at the new table and an argument breaks out — two amateurs bitching at Tony Ma for exposing his cards when two other people were still in the hand. “That’s bullshit!” screamed Saundra Taylor. “Total bullshit. You’re a professional you should know better!” Tom made random comments like, “Gamble-time!” and “Beam me up, Scotty!” Brilliant, Schneider. Good work.

Tom now has 235k in chips … the player to his left, Mark Smyrski just went out … and Tom makes his third final table, with plenty of chips to play. Nice work, Tom!

I’ve never had any reason to find the notorious “Hooker bar” in The Rio since:

a I’m not a prostitute
b. I’m not looking for one
c. I don’t drink (Yes, I know, lame, but I’m not here to impress anyone.)

The $3k limit tournament ended at 3 am and my husband — who was still alive — needed a scotch. There was only one bar open and it turns out it was the bar I pass everyday. I instantly knew it was the hooker bar by the three ladies in hot pants hanging out with some seniors (65 and older type seniors).

Anyway, we had a cocktail with Max Pescatori who was later replaced by Bill Chen, who had just won 12k on video poker. While visiting with Bill the man to my back taps me on the shoulder and:

“Are you working tonight?” — Guy
“Excuse me?” — Michele
“Are you working tonight or are you just here for pleasure?” — Big Guy
“I’m here visiting with my husband” — Showing him my wedding ring
“Oh, sorry!” — Big Ugly Guy
“Hey, that’s not your husband!” — Big Ugly Guy says motioning to Bill Chen
“No, he’s my friend. That’s my husband” — motioning to my waving husband
“Oh, sorry!” — Big, Ugly and Fat guy

I turn around to Bill and Terry and ask, “how can someone think I’m a hooker with jeans, a sweatshirt zipped up to my neck and a wedding ring on?” I guess if you are a woman at a hooker bar then you must be a hooker, even if escorted by your husband.

LAS VEGAS–While I can understand the tears of a champion, crying because you lost is just absurd. Unless someone is going to cut your legs off, here is a list of reasons why you should not cry at the WSOP:

1. Someone else in the world has just lost a loved one
2. You have a new friend that will help you get your watch out of the pawn shop
3. A five year old just worked a 12 hour day for five bucks
4. You know you can parlay twelve dollars into $1500 for the next buy-in
5. You have a roof over your head
6. You know you are cool because you DON’T do chip tricks
7. You have friends
8. Some hot chick at the hooker bar just hit on you
9. You don’t have any friends
10. You’re confident in your sexual preference
11. It’s a frickin’ game

Do not get me wrong, it is disappointing when eliminated, especially if you play poorly. In fact, you may even say “Ugh! I’m quitting this game”! However, if you play inadequately because work, family, and/or friends distract you then you only have yourself to blame.

We can safely say that most poker players have the slow-mo fantasy. You know, the bracelet wrapping around your wrist as they announce your name, snap your picture and dump piles of money in your face. But in the end…if you don’t win another one in a few years no one will remember you anyway, and you might end up broke trying to make that second goal.
That reminds me, I’m off to play cash to win a buy-in, to win a bracelet.

I have spent the past week trying to prepare for a six-week stint in Vegas and I am beyond stressed. I have had ballet recitals, pre-k graduation, teacher gifts to give, visiting guests, paperwork due now for the fall, doctor appointments, volunteer activities (can’t say no), working out (more exciting since Brad Ausmus joined my gym) and much more. Sorry to Debbie Downer you with my problems (glad to have these types of problems, right?) but hey, too bad.

Tomorrow, my husband and I along with our two children will head for Las Vegas in the pursuit of happiness a WSOP bracelet. When I booked the house I thought…why not, it will be fun. But now…what the hell am I thinking? How irresponsible is this? Not to mention my mother who keeps giving me that disapproving look. Ugh!

Nonetheless, I am now Vegas bound and ready to rock and roll. Wish me luck.

Did I mention I haven’t packed yet?