High Stakes Kash Game
On October 23rd, Federal Bureau of Investigation Director Kash Patel held a press conference and, with high drama, described a far-reaching criminal conspiracy involving the Mafia, Portland Trailblazers’ coach Chauncey Billups, several NBA players, and poker games that were both illegal and rigged.
Besides the corruption classic of giving inside info to certain bettors on NBA games, the long indictment detailed how four New York crime families lured poker players to private cash games with the presence of Hall of Famer Billups and other ballers, and then cheated those players with the use of card-reading shuffle machines and X-ray poker tables.
Not mentioned in the indictment were the poker table/MRI machines, which didn’t work because would-be victims were alerted by the deafening sound of their hole cards getting a full workup.
Another ploy allegedly employed by La Cosa Nostra, as detailed in the indictment, was the use of infrared decks marked so that the wearer of special lenses could see the other players’ cards. Also capable of seeing other players’ cards: Kash Patel, because you can never tell where he’s looking.
I’m sorry, that was a cheap shot, and I apologize. Speaking of shots, if you ever see Kash at target practice, run. Seriously, though, Kash is great at looking for criminals because he’s getting better street coverage than the 29 external cameras on a Waymo.
Enough!
Back to the lecture at hand. Many questions about the mafia poker scandal remain unanswered. Namely, how was the food? I mean, if I go to a Mafia-run poker game, I expect to mangia! Was there an antipasto plate with salume, capicola, and scungilli? And what about the pasta?
In The Godfather, Clemenza teaches Michael two things: how to shoot Sollozzo and McCluskey in the head and how to make enough spaghetti to feed twenty guys: “Fry some garlic, then add your tomatoes and tomato paste. Stir it around to make sure it don’t stick. Then you t’ro in your meatballs and sausage. A little wine. And some sugar, that’s my secret.”
All I’m saying is, if I go to the Genovese Invitational Poker Tournament and that Sunday gravy isn’t ladled over a platter of macaroni, I am not rebuying!
Getting Banned Is the New “Check Out My Vlog”
I’ve noticed over the past month or so that many prominent poker players have been banned from at least one venue or platform. I’ve decided to rule on these banishments on a case-by-case basis because, like your password, I’m case sensitive.
Case 1
In late September, YouTube saw fit to unceremoniously ban Brad Owen’s Clips channel. After a protest from the popular vlogger and his fans, they quickly reinstated the channel, though with very little transparency.
The only explanation given was that the channel was mistakenly flagged for circumvention. Don’t worry, it only sounds anti-Semitic.
By several accounts, over the past year, YouTube has begun using new algorithms to keep underage viewers from watching content that promotes gambling.
That sounds very high-minded, but have you watched major league sports on TV in the last few years? If you want to keep underage viewers from learning about gambling, forget putting an algorithm on YouTube; you’ll have to put one on the tube tube.
Now, I’m just a simple scribe, so I don’t have a vlog in this fight, but I do enjoy poker content, including Owen’s vlog, but also The Chip Race triumvirate of Lappin, O’Kearney, and Carter; The Poker Guys, Dennison and Levy, and The Vegas Nerve from Jason Gallagher.
I think it’s a pretty rotten trick for YouTube to play on content creators who are losing revenue while no greater good is achieved.
That said, if YouTube must limit the promotion of gambling to children, then they need to ban all those dreidel videos during Hanukkah, like this siren call to the wagering of gold:
Case 2
X, the public toilet formerly known as Twitter, has banned Ossi Ketola, better known as Monarch. The ban was instituted for repeated examples of “casual racism.” I never followed him on X, so I don’t know if Monarch is a racist, but there are numerous photos of him in a white hood.
Now that’s what I call Casual Racism. He’s like a hipster Klansman. Case Closed. The ban was correct.
Case 3
Much has been written about GGPoker’s and the WSOP’s banishment of Ren Lin and RealOA. It seems indisputable that Ren provided Real with real-time assistance during the final table of the GGMillion$, but many voices, or X accounts, have rushed to defend the indefensible, saying that Ren Lin deserves a pass on this one.
No one seems to have stuck up for RealOA, who was “keeping it real, real dumb,” to quote Chris Rock, by getting RTA via text and then crowing about it. I’m not going to throw him a lifeline either. He can wait for the next olive branch from GG.
Ren Lin’s culpability is a little murkier. Did he know Real was asking in real time? Does his contrition buy him mercy?
For me to make a final ruling, I have just one question for Ren Lin: I’m in the big blind with pocket kings and a stack of 34 bigs. There’s been a raise to 2.5x from middle position by the chip leader at the table and a call on the button.
I know I’m raising, but how much? Or, should I just go all in? Please hurry, I only have 48 seconds left on the clock.
Don’t Call It a Callback
Every time I played pocket kings last month, they got cracked. Once in a lovely little card room, Aces and Vines, in Napa, California, where a drunk guy played K5 off-suit to hit running fives on the turn and river. He then graciously berated me for my bad play.
The second cracking of KK occurred during a trip to Paris, where I went to what was once the Aviation Club de France, but remains a really cool casino called Le Club Barrière, on the Champs Élysées.
The place is dark and baroque, as you may remember it from televised WPT tournaments a long time ago. The dealers and staff are polite and attentive, including a referee, who sits in a high chair like a line judge at the French Open, enforcing rules and settling disputes.
It was very civilized, making the barbaric bad beat that I suffered all the worse. With pocket kings in the small blind and a raise around back, I re-raised. The big blind folded, and the original raiser, who had me covered, went all in.
I called, and he turned over AQ of hearts. The flop was queen high, rainbow. The turn, another queen giving my opponent trips. The river brought no king to the rescue. In fact, if you think about it, last month I should have just been on a No Kings March.
Have a great November.
