I see things. Disgusting things. I try not to, but when it’s right out in public for all the world to see, I cannot help it. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Guys, I’m not trying to be hard on you, and I know we’re at a poker tournament series, but c’mon. There are rules against the F-bomb at the poker tables, but unfortunately, there are no rules of courtesy and conduct to address the most basic tenets of human decency. I’m begging you to read the following rules and think about changing your ways.

1. Spit
Everyone doesn’t spit, but I understand there are those of you who do it. Just be aware of what you’re doing. If you have to produce a chunk of spit the size of a baseball, please try to expel it behind a building or in a bathroom. Standing over a public trash can or ash tray and letting it ooze out of your mouth is going to prompt me to gag uncontrollably. For the love of bodily functions, think about what is coming out of your mouth.

2. Junk
I don’t understand it firsthand, but I realize that you periodically must adjust your junk. Short adjustments that can be done with one hand and take less than three seconds to complete are acceptable. However, if you must use both hands, seriously move things around, or *gulp* insert a hand or two down your pants to make that adjustment, please consider going to a corner and turn toward the wall, or preferably, find a bathroom.

3. Snot
Universal problem, easy solutions. There is a wonderful invention called facial tissue, i.e. Kleenex. Acceptable substitutes include napkins, toilet paper, and paper towels. Use them. If you are at a poker table and absolutely cannot get to a bathroom, ask around for a tissue or take a few moments to consider options. Those options should not include digging deep with your fingers, then touching chips or *shiver* another person. Also, it is not socially acceptable to be stand over a trash can, hold one nostril, and blow. You are not a football player who can’t take a bathroom break during the Super Bowl. I refuse to believe that the snot is so annoying that it cannot wait for an appropriate moment to be dealt with in private.

4. Doors
Hold the door, dammit. Take one second to look behind you, and if someone – anyone – is there, hold that door. And if I hold the door for you, on behalf of all humanity, smile or say, “Thank you.” I am fully aware of the world in which I work; poker is not known for its gentlemen. But the rudeness being displayed is maddening.

I will add more to this list as necessary, but I sincerely hope I don’t have to. I’m disgusted just writing about it. Thanks in advance for heeding my advice.