Carter Gill, 24, a top-ranked online poker pro, may be offline for a while, as he says he’ll be reluctantly turning himself in to authorities in Jefferson County, Oklahoma, to begin serving a 14-day jail sentence. The charges stem NOT from his arrest in September for public drunkenness at WinStar Casino, where he had to leave his chipstack behind in The River main event after being hauled away in a police cruiser (but still took 90th place in absentia, winning $4,540). Instead, he’s answering to the courts for various other unrelated crimes, including a DUI.

Gill is known for his unashamed belligerence, politically incorrect rants, and a “FUCKITALL” attitude. I totally dig this guy, partly because he’s virtually a male copy of myself (so I “get him”) and partly because I respect his game. But a recent Facebook status update shed some new light on his true vagina character: “I really don’t want to go to jail… 14 days is going to be brutal,” he whimpered.

Shortly after publishing that comment, Gill’s ballsack threatened to tear itself off and run away in shame. I was really disappointed to see the him panicking over two short weeks behind bars. Let’s put this in perspective…getting fisted by Edward Scissorhands is brutal.  A coathanger abortion is brutal. Two weeks in a hillbilly jailhouse isn’t so much brutal as it is inconvenient

Keep your chin up, Carter; I’m sure the two weeks behind bars will come and go as fast as your bankroll does.

Mickey Petersen: could be the Lebron James of Poker.

Quick lesson today — from another 20-year-old kid who seems decidedly anti-baller despite going on a hella baller tear since he began his “career” two-and-a-half years ago. Now a CardRunners instructor after turning pro fresh outta high school, Mickey Petersen, known among avid onliners as Mement_mori, is in the running for CardPlayer’s Online Player of the Year at #13 … and ranks 2nd in the world over at 5+5, with qualifying results spread across 18 pages.

Though CardPlayer’s OPOY counts only $1.05 million earned with 18 final tables and two wins in the past year, Pocket Fives totals his wins at $2.7 million. But the stat I find most mind-blowing with this Gen-Z Magic player (inspired by the likes of David Williams, Eric Froehlich, and Dario Minieri to make the crossover into poker, he tells CardPlayer) … Petersen’s average cash is $1,527 … in 1,778 money finishes! Gotta think Phil Hellmuth couldn’t claim more than double that (live and online) over his entire life even if he included cash games … which says a lot because Hellmuth had already won the main event before Peterson was even born.

With Peter Eastgate retired and Gus Hansen one of the losingest players of the year (even if he takes down a WSOPE bracelet today ), seems like Mement_mori (Latin for “Remember you will die”) has easy claim as the best player in Denmark even though he has yet to cash in a live event. It doesn’t cost online players a thing to get their Cardrunners schooling with financial aid from Truly Free Poker Training. (Sign up here – promise you’ll qualify.)