Phil Hellmuth Sells!

With help of PokerBrat romance script

by , Nov 4, 2008 | 2:23 pm

Speaking of Thrillist … my other, non-poker gig … one thing we’ve learned over there is that Thrillist readers care way more about night clubs, booze, restaurants, race cars, and tiddy bars than they ever do about poker.

So I was a little surprised to get the numbers back from last week’s edition, where an item about Phil Hellmuth’s new website for his clothing line was the highest performer. Really? Yep … A decidedly non-pokery readership found the PokerBrat’s T-shirts and Pep Pills more intriguing than an MGM bar, a new gambling-themed wine, casino decor, and a corner of P-Ho where blackjack dealers wear lingerie:

From Thrillist:

Thrillist - PokerBratWear: PokerBrat Clothing
These surprisingly subtle tees come from the John McEnroe of poker, 11-time WSOP champ Phil Hellmuth, with highlights including “Poker Tree” (“grow that chip pile from a toothpick to a lumberyard”), and “Poker Skater”, harkening back to his U of Wisconsin transpo from barroom games back to his dorm. Less tastefully, Hellmuth also hawks books, DVDs, and “Go Heads-Up” energy pills, guaranteed to keep you at the table long enough to lose your subtle tee.
Check out shirts and more at

They really are some pretty cool shirts. But perhaps the scary thing is clicking through the site, where Hellmuth tries his hand at pokery grocery-store romance. Click below to read about a poker-bratty encounter with the woman who would later become his wife:


She still kicks along. A motorbike headlight comes into view
 and soon does a U-Turnand coughs to a stop next to her.
 Need a lift?
 And she skates past him. He sputters after her.
 Let me give you a lift.
 I was having fun in there until you
 ruined it!
 Sometimes I just...get lost in poker.
 Sometimes you're just a big asshole? You
 left me standing in the dark, Phil, in
 the parking lot of a tavern I didn't
 wannabe at in the first place!
 That hits him.
 I'm sorry. You drive.
 (hegets off the cycle)
 I'll skate. The rest of the way.
 Don't bluff me.
 I'm not bluffing you.
 Yes you are.
 No I'm not.
 And she runs the motorcycle to a start and roars off. He
 stands in the dark and stares at the disappearing taillight.
 Shocked, he walks a few confused circles in the middle of the
 empty country road. Looks at the skateboard in his hands.
 Son of a bitch.
 He starts kicking along on her board, into the night.
KATHY opens the doorand is surprised to find a sweaty,
 scraped-up Phil, obviously a terrible skateboarder.
 Wanted to make sure you got your
 skateboard back.
 She takes itand smiles at him, dishevelled...but charming.
 This guy IS relentless.
 I don't like liking you.
 And she pulls him in for a kiss.
 I don't like it that you don't like
 liking me. (kissing) But I get a feeling
 that you like it that I don't like it
 that you don't like liking me.
 Shut up.
 Now they're being watched by her Flaming Lipsposters as they
 pull off each other's shirts on her cheap couch. These are
 tough kids. Hungry. Lonely.

10 Comments to “Phil Hellmuth Sells!”

  1. Justin

    The t-shirts are pretty nice, but they aren’t forty to forty five dollars nice. I like the poker tree t but it’s just too expensive for a damn shirt.

    His writing on the other hand… he shouldn’t quit his day job.

  2. Steve Horton

    I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  3. California Jen

    There are no words.

  4. DanM

    *** I don’t like it that you don’t like
    liking me. (kissing) But I get a feeling
    that you like it that I don’t like it
    that you don’t like liking me.***

    These are clearly the words (and thought processes) of a champion.

  5. cowhaus

    *** I don’t like it that you don’t like
    liking me. (kissing) But I get a feeling
    that you like it that I don’t like it
    that you don’t like liking me.***

    Yeah, that’s some real 4th level thinking there.

  6. DanM

    Chip Jett went with the whip-it-out method to land Karina. That’s more of a pre-flop all-in shove.

  7. Matt S

    Where on the site are shirts $45? everything I looked at was $30 or less?… reasonable id say.

    Do you guys really think Phil wrote that script? its probably some big shot in hollywood or something.

    I say go phil! better than most of the crap merch out there. if only i had some bread.

  8. DanM

    they must have lowered the prices since this post.

    i have a feeling the days of the $98 t-shirt are done … which probably are PH Co. thought they could move these at a “discount”.

    And you’ve heard Phil talk before, Matt. Sounds kinda like him, no?

  9. Matt S

    hmm, i dunno, ive heard him talk a bit I guess, but I play more than i watch all this tv/cable crap or read books. (yeah yeah, I know.. great strategy right?) I dont think i could tell the difference.

    honestly, i would think a script about phil *should* probably sound kinda like him? that would be a well written script I would think or like what movies are supposed to capture? then again im a plumber who plays poker occassionally. I wouldnt know good writing if it flopped a full house. heh.

  10. DanM

    Ahh, Matt the Plumber … I realized after I posted this comment that you were not Matt the Batface. (You have the same last name + an S.)