Living and working in Los Angeles, just a few miles of nightmarish traffic away from Hollywood, it’s not difficult to keep up with tabloid journalism news of the rich and famous. And as they make poker news, this reporter is right there to help spread rumors and inconsequential news. You’re welcome.

Let’s start with MTV’s Video Music Awards that took place in Las Vegas last weekend. Sure, the important news was Brittany Spears and her, ummm, interesting performance at the show. But I’m here to give you the poker-related info.

Rolling Stone magazine took the opportunity of the celebrity mecca to Vegas to celebrate their 40th anniversary with parties and the obligatory charity poker tournament. Nowhere could it be determined what charity was benefiting from the event, nor what the buy-in was. It was confirmed that there were 15 tables that played out on Saturday, September 8, and some of the participants included Nelly, Kevin Smith, Joe Simpson, Brody Jenner, Cee-Lo, Ryan Cabrera, John Salley, and Vince Neil.

The winner? Rap superstar Nelly. At the WSOP, he played the $10k main event and donked off his chips in less than two hours. At this charity tournament, he outplayed a bunch of celebrities and won the thing. The best news was that he donated all of his prize money to charity.

How did Nelly go from donkey-status to semi-average poker player? Evidently, he’s been dropping in on home games with Phil Laak and Antonio Esfandiari. Homeboy seems to be serious about being a playa.

Other news at the VMA’s included the high school man-to-man fight between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee over Pamela Anderson, going forward to be referred to as Pammie. (Not that she and I are gal pals, but I like men to think so.) While the boys are fighting over her, she claims to be in love with a pro poker player. She refused to name the person to any source, even Ellen DeGeneres, but reportedly told one source that she was down several hundred thousand dollars in a poker game, and the player offered to take care of it in return for, ummm, take a guess. “I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors,” she said, “and fell in love. He took advantage of me… He’s a good guy.” And on the Ellen show, she confirmed that much and concluded with, “It’s so romantic. It’s romance.”

Awww.

The tabloids have put her statements together with some recent sightings of Pammie and Rick Salomon, infamous Paris Hilton sex tape entrepreneur, on a Malibu beach on Labor Day weekend, so rumors are running rampant that Rick is that poker player. Here’s a tip for Pammie and everyone else: Rick Salomon is not a professional poker player. Trust us.

But the Pammie rumor mill is not out of juice yet. According to the Las Vegas Magazine blog site, insiders are saying that Pammie’s new boyfriend is actually poker pro Antonio Esfandiari. Voila! That would be magical, wouldn’t you agree?

Speaking of Antonio, he’s made the tabloids lately with his recent Cristal-off. He was reportedly at the new nightclub Blush at the Wynn on the Vegas Strip, and he and NBA pro Kobe Bryant were each trying to buy more Cristal champagne than the other. Kobe ordered approximately 15 bottles – cheapskate! Not to be outdone, Antonio ended up ordering 26 bottles and spent nearly $35k for one night out. Then he told TMZ about it. Nice hand, sir.

It’s official … my online gambling days are done, at least for a little while. I tried to deposit some more money into ULTIMATE BET, but to no avail (despite following instructions and agreeing to an extra fee). Even if someone could walk me through it, it’s simply too difficult for this not-quite-winning online player to go through the hassle.

UPDATE: CardPlayer reports that online tourney fields took a sharp hit this weekend. Expect those numbers to further dwindle as WEAKER PLAYERS exhaust available bankroll.

Read into that what you will. Here’s the latest update on how you can still deposit (and redeposit) to your various online gambling accounts.

And here’s a tech site reporting on the reporting that alternative methods still exist (at least for now) and concluding that online gambling still ain’t goin’ away.

But the bona fide CRACKDOWN on online gambling (and therefore poker) continues. The latest step by our AMERIFEDS is subpoenaing foreign bank records. Whether this info would be used for information or prosecution is yet to be determined, but we can bet the request alone will be enough to pique some of our neighbors who don’t like the idea of the US CLAIMING JURSIDICTION over the world/money.

More influential NON-POKER sites are taking note of developments in our little pokery corner of the internet. They may not know what to make of it all yet, but they seem to recognize its far-reaching relevance.

So far, the NETELLER news has inspired SLASHDOT readers to post 579 comments.

It took less than a few days after the most recent blow to legitimate online poker sites for SPAM from the criminally minded, fly-by-night operations to arrive. Below is an example of a site that for obvious reasons shouldn’t even be considered a viable alternative:

—–Original Message—–
From: Ian Hardin [mailto:allenipbo@tftdisplays.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 21, 2007 7:49 PM
To: danm
Subject: US players are welcome

hi
(download), start playing
US players are welcome
most fair casino
you don’t know internet at all if you don’t know this casino

http://greatdefisha.org

Go ahead and click the site (assuming you feel good about your SPYWARE/VIRUS protection) … I did, and it wasn’t even operable yet.

The BRITS, we know, are all about online gambling. And one of the thing they’ll likely be doing with all that TAX REVENUE the UK gains — besides making sure their players can be confident they are dealing with a safe, fair, legitimate site — is helping doctors help the tiny (but still sizable) percentage of people who have true GAMBLING ADDICTIONS.

We can expect plenty of stories like this one to emerge — about a 53-year-old lady lawyer in CALIFORNIA who just got sentenced to NINE YEARS in prison for embezzling $900k to fund her internet gambling addiction. (I wonder how many of her tainted dollars got dispersed directly or indirectly into any of our online accounts.)

Some states in AMERICA are starting to realize that the new anti-gambling law doesn’t prohibit INTRAstate online play … and that could open the door … for something.

MICHAEL BOLCEREK (of the PPA) was in attendance at the NATIONAL CONFERENCE OF STATE LEGISLATURES last week, where talk of UIGEA enforcment was a hot topic, and he introduced elected officials to the concept of RESPONSIBLE GAMBLING.

Related to that concept, LOU KREIGER has a good post on when to leave a juicy game. He played in the Poker Authors Challenge at BINION’S yesterday. (No word on who won.)

But as it currently stands in the new legal environment, it’s not about who you play with or how you play. Just ask ANTHONY HALL, who has been warning our CARIBBEAN cousins for a year that an important industry to the region’s economy was being threatened by American politics and law enforcement.

Meanwhile, CRYPTOLOGIC — based in the same CANADA that is home to Neteller — has staked its claim in the yet-to-be-tapped CHINESE poker market.

Did you know the editor of POKERPAGES is also a stand-up comedian?

Not to be confused with the JUSTIN WEST who ran for Texas governor.

And speaking of Poker Pages, KAELAINE kicks it old-school and has a nice tourney recap of her victory in a MEDIA FREEROLL in TUNICA. What’s interesting about this quick-blind freeroll is that the field grew … and that the WORLD POKER OPEN folks now pay out a cash prize ($1,000) to the winner. (I’m pretty sure this is new.)

And speaking of OLD SCHOOL, I found this 2005 discussion about when online poker will peak both naive and prescient.

Likewise for this 2005 article in Time … declaring how the BRITS are leaving us way behind in the online gambling world … and giving a little more insight into the factors in play before the CRACKDOWN on poker really kicked in.

BEST POKER SHIRT ever? I gotta get me one of these. (Go Polacks! Go “the dan” circa 2004!)

Click here to see the worst.

All the legal hubbub hasn’t stopped DOYLE BRUNSON from spreading the poker gospel to Hollywood (via UTAH) with a charity tourney at the SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL.

Back in DALLAS, a charity called BEA’S KIDS held an old-fashioned charity tourney (c. 2004) this weekend … where players actually paid money to compete for real prizes … a big-screen TV, trip to Vegas, stuff like that. There was no police raid on the illegal/tax-deductible attempt to raise money to send poor kids to summer camp.

Speaking of kids … here are some more MUSICAL CHIPS:

Online legalities not withstanding, teenagers are the future of poker/doing the “chip dance.”

UPDATE: GUTSHOT proprietor DEREK KELLY has decided to appeal the recent LONDON court ruling that declared (unregulated) poker clubs like his to be within the reach of British gambling laws. Pokerati loves the Gutshot. But can we say good luck?

Click here to see poker-related teenage angst.