Good piece on PokerListings naming the “Top 5 Etiquette Mistakes” at the brick-and-mortar tables.

Their five faux pas:

5. Stalling
4. Stinking
3. Unmucking
2. Misrepresenting
1. Slow-rolling

The one I think they left out — which I would put at number 2, probably — is Table Talk.

Mean Gene was on the scene when all was shaking down — and he’s got some great details about just how drinky a fete the $50k HORSE championship really was — for players, fans, and reporters alike — and the bad vibes all around that may or may not have come across on ESPN.

(I was wondering about that beer-bottle label, or lack thereof. Indeed, I can imagine how even the attempt to force someone to drink Milwaukee’s Best Light could spark a little tilt.)

Whether or not it was reality-TV editing that turned the Prince of Poker into the Puck of Poker during the $50k HORSE event … here’s an edited down version of the edited down version that compiles Scotty Nguyen’s drunken antics into a 10-minute YouTube vid.

Scotty Nguyen Belligerent Drunk Montage

Amazing to think that 10 minutes of mouth-off is all it takes to taint the public perception of one’s entire life. But hey, I’m sure Bill Clinton has had similar thoughts. Unless of course there weren’t two different Scottys in play, in which case then it was just a matter of time before the camera eventually captured, er, reality?

In a previous post, Dan mentioned Scotty Nguyen’s (bad) behavior as shown on the ESPN coverage of the 2008 WSOP $50K HORSE final table. His drunken/erratic/insulting antics and chatter at the table has been controversial, as some members of the media blame editing for making Scotty look a little mentally unstable moody, while many viewers were clearly shocked by his treatment of his opponents, cocktail servers, and chips.

Evidently, Scotty reads forums and blogs. As I was made aware by Short-Stacked Shamus in his analysis of the ESPN episode, Scotty posted an apology of sorts on the CardPlayer forums.

He expressed his “sincerest apology” for the disappointment caused by his behavior caught on camera, and though he felt that he beat his opponents fair and square (”I would never be sorry to beat those players”), he felt bad that the fans saw him in a bad light. Scotty admits that he was caught up in a range of emotions, as is human nature, but knows that his fans are his bread and butter and wouldn’t want to disappoint them.

The full forum post is as follows:

I would like to apologize to all my fans for the disappointment I have caused in the H.O.R.S.E. Event. For that I would like to express my sincerest apology.

I would like to ask for understanding of what really took place.

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A couple hot poker topics this week have been, of course, WinStar, and Scotty Nguyen’s less than stellar behavior and etiquette in the $50k WSOP HORSE event, as seen on ESPN. Pauly (who actually watched this final table live) assures me a lot of this persona came in the editing — yeah, he was drunk and rude for awhile, but then he sobered up and played like a winner — and indeed, I remember thinking similarly as the day progressed … was rooting for Nguyen … definitely didn’t want a newbie like Michael DeMichele to win $50k Friggin’ HORSE! But after watching the episode(s) this week, I gotta say … was totally rooting for DeMichele, even though I knew he probably didn’t stand a chance.

Anyhow, point being … just wondering if a (bad) performance like Scotty’s could jeopardize his relationship with the Cherokee Casino in Tulsa, where he has hosted the biggest events in North-North Texas prior to the current River tourney at WinStar. “I am like a god in Oklahoma,” he has said. “They have my picture on billboard.”

Not saying one incident will — but wondering if it might. Because after all, there was a reason they chose him back in the day … because everyone loves Scotty Nguyen, baby! But now that’s clearly not the case.

Back at the beginning of the WSOP, I called the male species out for their sometimes disgusting/rude behavior. And it’s been a long time coming, but I’m finally ready to call out the females. I know it’s near the end of the WSOP, but there are things that need to be said.

Ladies (I use that term loosely in some cases), let me first thank most of you for not spitting in public or blowing your noses over the trash cans. I’m happy not to have to go there with you. Also, thank you to most of you for being classy and polite.

Then there are the exceptions to the rules. Speaking of rules, here are the primary ones I’ve seen broken during the WSOP.

1. Toilets
For the love of femininity, how is it that so many of you can pee all over the toilet seat? Honestly, if you feel you must hover, improve your aim or wipe the seat when you’re done. And before leaving the stall, take one moment to hit the flush button. I know it’s easy to get lazy and expect that the new-fangled toilets will automatically flush, but a double-check takes two seconds. I’ve seen things left in toilets that I couldn’t shake for days.

2. Boobs
This is a touchy subject. *giggle* The first half of the rule has to do with adjustments. Similar to the “Junk” section of the “Unofficial WSOP Men’s Guide to Not Being Disgusting/Rude,” boob adjustments done in public should be quick and easy. Anything requiring serious snapping or unsnapping of bras or adjusting with both hands under shirts should be done in private. The second half of the boob rule has to do with what’s out there for the world to see. In general, if more of the boobs are exposed than not, you’ve crossed over into exhibitionist territory. Trust me, you can show more than enough cleavage without letting it all slip out.

3. Asses
It’s pretty easy to tell where the ass cheeks end and legs begin. That little extra bit of fabric that covers the entire ass cheek is not only proper but classy. However, if you are a hooker, or even a stripper looking to advertise the business, let it all hang out. Show what you’re sellin’, baby.

That’s all I’ve noticed up to this point. Additions or notes are always welcome!

We’ve got a new one up on the sidebar … over there —>

Vote now and vote often … practice for November, or even an excuse not to! (President? No thanks … I already voted on Pokerati.)

I see things. Disgusting things. I try not to, but when it’s right out in public for all the world to see, I cannot help it. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Guys, I’m not trying to be hard on you, and I know we’re at a poker tournament series, but c’mon. There are rules against the F-bomb at the poker tables, but unfortunately, there are no rules of courtesy and conduct to address the most basic tenets of human decency. I’m begging you to read the following rules and think about changing your ways.

1. Spit
Everyone doesn’t spit, but I understand there are those of you who do it. Just be aware of what you’re doing. If you have to produce a chunk of spit the size of a baseball, please try to expel it behind a building or in a bathroom. Standing over a public trash can or ash tray and letting it ooze out of your mouth is going to prompt me to gag uncontrollably. For the love of bodily functions, think about what is coming out of your mouth.

2. Junk
I don’t understand it firsthand, but I realize that you periodically must adjust your junk. Short adjustments that can be done with one hand and take less than three seconds to complete are acceptable. However, if you must use both hands, seriously move things around, or *gulp* insert a hand or two down your pants to make that adjustment, please consider going to a corner and turn toward the wall, or preferably, find a bathroom.

3. Snot
Universal problem, easy solutions. There is a wonderful invention called facial tissue, i.e. Kleenex. Acceptable substitutes include napkins, toilet paper, and paper towels. Use them. If you are at a poker table and absolutely cannot get to a bathroom, ask around for a tissue or take a few moments to consider options. Those options should not include digging deep with your fingers, then touching chips or *shiver* another person. Also, it is not socially acceptable to be stand over a trash can, hold one nostril, and blow. You are not a football player who can’t take a bathroom break during the Super Bowl. I refuse to believe that the snot is so annoying that it cannot wait for an appropriate moment to be dealt with in private.

4. Doors
Hold the door, dammit. Take one second to look behind you, and if someone – anyone – is there, hold that door. And if I hold the door for you, on behalf of all humanity, smile or say, “Thank you.” I am fully aware of the world in which I work; poker is not known for its gentlemen. But the rudeness being displayed is maddening.

I will add more to this list as necessary, but I sincerely hope I don’t have to. I’m disgusted just writing about it. Thanks in advance for heeding my advice.

At the moment my background music is Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith on Spike the main event of the 2007 WSOP (Episode 4, part 2 of 5 according to YouTube):

It’s actually the first time I’ve seen this episode — if that tells you anything about the immediacy or lack thereof attached to current WSOP broadcasts … and it prominently features/follows Jamie Gold. Pretty impressed with how ESPN handled his storyline, and Gold does a pretty good job explaining the Crispin Leyser lawsuit … well enough that I start empathize for just a moment until Norman Chad follows up with a reminder of why he may not have had many supporters regardless.

(About 2:00 in.)

Poker must be the most boring activity in the world. Why else would the industry focus its cameras on the most ridiculous people?

We have spelling bees and Scrabble championships on TV and none of the competitors have little “charks” and make munching sounds then yell their name “HUMBERTO, HUMBERTO”. None of them spell a tough word and start making animal sounds while moving their bodies in hunchback dance moves. Could you imagine Humberto as a little kid competing in a spelling bee and yelling his name every time he spelled a word correctly, then getting out a little Power Ranger and acting like he is going to hit the little girl he is competing against?

We as poker players should want nice people with lots of money to come play with us. Do you think when Bill Gates sees Hevad Kahn doing his monkey noises and strange gyrations he says to himself, “boy I want to play with that guy? Maybe I could get that guy to represent Microsoft.” I’m guessing not; however, I guess that’s exactly what Pokerstars says. He is now a face on Pokerstars. Why would any company want to associate with these embarrassing people? Answer, they get a lot of exposure on TV. Michael Vick is getting a ton of exposure, I hear he likes gambling too, and he’s available for about 5-10 years.

Poker is reaching the lowest common denominator, and it’s a joke. I am really tired of people having to exhibit ridiculous behavior in order to get noticed in poker. There was actually a guy at a featured table at the main event who made balloon animals for the other players at the table. Are people really this desperate to get on TV? The answer is clear. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things that I’m willing to do at a featured table next year.

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LAS VEGAS–Just learned from listening to Chris’ podcast that Bellagio has instituted a new rule — 20 minute penalty for anyone who uses a cell phone (or Blackberry, or Treo, or Blackjack, or iPhone) at the table … whether they are in the hand or not.

LAS VEGAS–Good morning. I’m just getting ready to go to bed. The sun’s been up for just a few hours, and it’s already over 100 degrees. But inside the Rio … about negative 64. So friggin’ cold, especially in the cash-games area, from whence I just came. They cool down the Amazon Room and surrounding hallways overnight in preparation for the onslaught of warm poker bodies that arrive each day a little before noon … and/or to sell more WSOP sweatshirts.

Anyhow, late last night, Pauly was up bouncing around the Amazon Room in his off-time and Otis had just re-arrived back in town. I had work to do, of course, but the three of us had yet to find time to geek out all pokerbloggy since arriving at the 2007 WSOP, so it was time to make time … and off to the Hooker bar we went. Inspiring and refreshing, to say the least, as we traded poker-blog war stories, tales of SEO, and reminisces about the “good ole days” of 2006.

We must have been appearing to have too much fun, because a few drinks into it all, we were joined by a traveling WSOP circuit dealer, Brian “the Rookie” Wilson, Otis’ friend Mark, and Jim McManus, who was a little down on his game.

“I make way more from writing these days than I do playing poker, that’s for sure,” he said. Funny how just a year ago this exact same sentence might have a completely different meaning.

As the night whittled on, Pauly left us to go whip up a poignant recap of yesterday’s crazy yet meaningful action, as Otis, Mark and I returned to the Amazon Room to play poker. You can always count on a few drunks to sit down at the dwindling WSOP cash tables at about 4 in the morning to keep the chips flying, and last night that was us. Not surprisingly, the three of us would rebuy several times playing $2/$5 NLH, and within a couple hours, collectively we were stuck nearly $2,500, at which point I switched to coffee.

Linda the Dallas dealer had my table for a while — it was great to see her for the first time of the Series. “Just like back home,” she said, smirking as she shipped a pot I lost to the other end of the table.

Mark would end up busting out for a final time, while Otis and I stuck around to grind our way back towards even. I was getting there, too, until I flopped an open-ended straight draw and a flush draw. The turn gave me the nut straight and a straight-flush draw. I was bummed when my opponent and I couldn’t get it all-in at that point, but I guess I was lucky, because while I caught my flush on the river, the other guy caught quads, and I was not in a position to raise his bet. Don’t even get me started about the possible collusion we witnessed between a plump American black lady and a skinny British white guy who were playing together unbeknown to the rest of us, until they cashed out together and gave each other a hug and a kiss at the cage.

I was heavily involved in their last hand. The British guy and I had built a pot to more than $600 when I missed my 17 gajillion outs on the river. He put me all-in for my last $72, and though mathematically I was supposed to call, I couldn’t bring myself to do it with just third pair, knowing if I lost, I was definitely not going to rebuy again. (Because I had no more 100s on me.) The black lady seated to my right belligerently encouraged me to call, and then called clock on me. I eventually mucked, and was pleased when the skinny white dude mucked his cards, presumably telling me that I made the correct play.

That’s when they both cashed out in celebration. And then as he exited the room, the not-so-chappy Brit came up behind me and whispered, “You couldn’t beat pocket 6s?” What an asshole, because yes, I could. So what, he’s trying to put me on tilt even after he has left the table with my money?

I did my best to remain unfazed, and sure enough I began to climb back out of the hole. As the wee hours became morning and almost tournament time, Otis and I were at adjacent tables motioning to each other where we stood in terms of getting unstuck. I was in for $700, he was in for $1,200. And both of us were playing our asses off more sober than before. With my fancy little bankroll graph in the back of my mind, I finally took control of my short-handed, reduced-rake table — with a solid read on the Euro to my right and ability to bluff the gay cowboy to my left with ease. Perhaps the only mistake I made here was getting up from a table I could beat, but it was so late, so early … I was exhausted, and for the first time in more than five hours, I was up.

Buy-in(s): $700 (3)
Cash out: $979
Net: +$279

Really good story in yesterday’s Star-Telegram about the rise and fall of Eon Marshall, grandmaster of WorldPokerParty.com. It gives a little background on Marshall from his pre-poker days … where he seemed to be running something scammy in California … and talks about a semi-religious tale of Eon’s showing up in his signature white limo for a neighborhood Bunko game.

OK, really, I’m not gonna pick on him … too easy to kick a jackass when he’s down. But it’s an interesting reminder about what happened to at least some of the con-men out there who tried to bank it big during the early days of the American poker boom.

Click below to read some of the comments I got via not-for-attribution email about the pleasure that went with this federal-court affirmation that certain types really don’t get to live the good life … at least not for long:

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Here’s a name from the past … and I hope I’m not messing with the poker-karma river gods by taking delight in his misfortune praising their good work. Remember Robert Eon Marshall?

Last I heard he had disappeared and was on the run from the Feds. Well, the FBI caught him — and he’s been sentenced to 10 years in prison (with no parole) and ordered to pay $900k in restitution for the people he defrauded with his failed online poker affiliate venture, WorldPokerParty.com.

Marshall (seen here at left, next to Sommer, en route to bubbling at the 2004 Pokerati Invitational), you may recall was the bombastic $2/$5 NLH maniac who reportedly made his fortune by hitting a $36 million Powerball. He also claimed to be the 20th ranked poker player in the world and bought himself a Super Bowl-style ring that said “No Limit Hold’em Champion.” Very classy-sad, no?

More on Eon Marshall and his abrasive table demeanor here.

Beyond being the bearer of so many bad beats to so many better players, he also was connected to one of the first “good folds” I made in the poker biz … he had some money ready to go to start a poker magazine, and while I was excited about the possibility, in the end I decided this guy with assault rifles and glorious stone fountains in his South Arlington strip-mall office was just too shady to get in bed with — especially when I saw him yell at his daughter for putting stickers on poker chips the wrong way. It was the right read, because his whole business was a failed Enron-style investment scheme based around convincing old ladies to buy-in (and rebuy) into an online poker affiliate model that was going nowhere.

ALT HED: All Incarcerated

ED. NOTE: Eon had a limo driver whom I talked with at length a couple years ago … but I don’t remember his name nor do I have his contact info handy. If someone has a clue who I am talking about and/or how to get in touch, please let me know.

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When you are playing in a tournament and you find a marked card (smudged or slightly bent) you must call the floor immediately. The standard solution is to replace the one card rather than the whole deck. This happened twice in an hour at my table during the limit event in L.A. Everyone at the table knew who bent the cards and it was played down to the way he bent the cards to see his hand. Coincidentally, both cards were Kings.

Another situation arose when a new player sat down. She was a local and was hitting every flop with crappy cards. One player made a loud statement that she had brought her own dealer to the table. She slowed down after this announcement. Scary!

Anyway, can anyone find any information about the guy busted at the Wynn for marking cards last fall?

Michele in Houston sends a link to some more wayward-hottie jimjabber on 2+2 … about Brandi Hawbaker’s latest sessions at Bellagio and the high-drama life story she’s laying out for all to know. Can’t decide if it’s mean-spirited gossip or just observational reporting. This is all kinda sad, right? Or maybe it’s just gloriously salty real-life poker in an uncontrollably public day and age? Juicy.

I have to admit, I kinda avoided weighing in on the story of Brandi’s run-in with an ill-placed pokery penis … in part because I questioned its relevance, and because I would never want to disrespect women preferred to remember her as the cute boppity tournament-trail newcomer with a big innocent smile, extra-healthy chip stacks, and a crazy little sticker on her boobie. But now with Sklansky, and maybe even Amarillo Slim, we have the makings of a trend … or at least a reality-show pilot.

Thanks for the link, Michele … and by the way, big ups on your new pics, but where’s your sticker shot?!?